Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Conversations with the Other People in My Wii Fit Step Class

Me: Hi, I'm Bethany. I'm new to step class. What's your name?

Blue shirt: Step step step step!

Red shirt: Step! Step! Step!

Green shirt: Yay! You're stepping really well!

Pink shirt: Look how happy I am to be in step class!

Me: Oooookay. So, what else do you guys like to do?

Blue shirt: We only step! It's fun. Look at me step up, step down, and then step up again!

Me: But what do you do when you go home? You know, for fun?

Blue shirt: The step is our way. It is our only activity. We love to step.

Green shirt: Keep up with the rhythm. Now we're going to step faster.

Pink shirt: Stepstepstepstep!

Me: Why do you like to step so much?

Blue shirt: It strengthens of our calf muscles and buttocks. It makes the Providers pleased with our activity levels.

Me: Providers?

Blue shirt: Those who give us the step rhythms and monitor how well we step.

Green shirt: Prepare, bretheren! The clapping time is nigh!

Pink shirt: Yay! Clap clap clap! Step Step!

Me: Oops! I missed a step.

Blue shirt: It is allowed, for you are human and fallable. But be wary. If you step wrong too many times, your score will not break of 600 points and the Providers will heckle you with sad music.

Me: Well, that's not very nice.

Red shirt: Hold your tongue, new one! We do not question the authority of the Providers!

Blue shirt: Be kind, Red shirt. For the new one has only been stepping among us for a short time.

Green shirt: Friends! The one leg kicking time has arrived!

Pink shirt: Step! Kick! Step! Step! Kick!

Me: Have you guys ever considered just, you know, not stepping?

Blue shirt: We must step. To not step is to have nothing to live for.

Me: But what would the Providers do to you?

Red shirt: We would receive imperfect star ratings.

Me: So?

Green shirt: And now we step to the side with claps!

Pink shirt: Yay! Side step! Clap! Side step! Clap!

Blue shirt: We speak not of that possibility, new one. Now carry on with your stepping and burning of 27 calories.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (A Post Drinking Game Summary)

The Fallen: I've fallen!
Megatron: I'll help you!
The Fallen: Okay!

Shia LaBeouf: You're my hot girlfriend.
Megan Fox: I totally know, right? I'm just going to bend over and get this.
Shia LaBeouf: Okay, but do it fast because I have to leave for college in a minute. Oh, no. I dropped this thingy that burned through the floor, and there are some robots in our kitchen. With guns!
Kitchen robots: Muhahahahahaha! *Bang bang bang!*

Mom: Don't go, Shia LaBeouf! You're my little cupcake, and I'll miss you.
Dad: Let him go, Shia LaBeouf's mom. He's a man now.
Their House: *EXPLODES!*
Bumblebee: Come with me if you want to live.

Later, at college....

Shia LeBeouf's roommate: There are alien robots who are taking over the world.
Shia LeBeouf: I don't know anything about that. I swear.
Shia LeBeouf's roommate: Okay, I believe you. Let's be best friends forever. Just don't even think about trying to move in on hot girl I like.
Shia LeBeouf: Okay.
Hot Girl: Tear my clothes off, Shia LeBeouf!
Shia LeBeouf: No, I can't. Okay, I might a little.
Megan Fox: We're broken up forever! I never want to see you again until five minutes from now!
Rainn Wilson: I'm totally in this movie.
Drunk narrator: I have such a Dwight Shrute ladyboner right now.


Optimus Prime: Why am I not in this summary yet? I'm super important.
Drunk narrator: I'm getting to you. Jesus.
Optimus Prime: *dies*
Drunk narrator: Oops.

Decepticon: Blah blah blah, the Primes left some super important shit in Egypt. And symbols. And some key thing that might bring Optimus Prime back to life.

Shia LaBeouf: I'll get it.
Bumblebee: I will go with you, Jerry Maguire.
John Turturro: I am such a brilliant actor. What the hell am I doing here?
Megan Fox: I'm just going to bend over and talk to this tiny Decepticon while it humps my leg.
Fifth grade boys: HAHAHAHAHA!


Later in Egypt...

The Fallen: People of Earth, I'm going to blow up your sun!
The people of Egypt: Okay, just let us move our goats first.
Megatron: Too late! *Bang bang bang! Kaboom!*
The people of Egypt: That's fine. We'll go build houses somewhere else. Bye now!
Archaeologists: Be careful. Those pyramids are super old and were built by slave labor.
The pyramids: *Crumble!*

Shia LaBeouf: Optimus Prime magic key stab!
Optimus Prime: I'm alive!
Everyone: Yay!
Optimus Prime: Not so fast, the Fallen!


Optimus Prime: The world is saved...but for how long?
Megatron: Until I come back!
Optimus Prime: Okay, then. Bye!
Shia LaBeouf: I love you, Megan Fox's boobs.
Megan Fox: I love you too!
Bumblebee: You had me at hello....You had be at hello.
Drunk narrator: ......


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

In Which I Dabble in Bad-Assery

Well, it's 2010, and since I haven't posted since November, you may have been pondering where I've been. Well, there is a long and a short explanation for my temporary hiatus. And since the long story is very, very long and there isn't enough vodka in the world to make you want to sit through me telling you about it, I will just give you the short explanation.

I bought a Wii, and it has taken over my life. Yes, I've spent the last month defeating The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. And then, for shits and giggles, I went back and beat it again. Don't judge me. There is a mini game where you get to ride around on a giant prehistoric bird and pop balloons.

I've also been dabbling in bad-assery. Won't you let me tell you about it? Won't you?

People who are genuinely badass have telltale markings of being badass. So, first I will outline those and then I will tell you why I qualify as a total badass. Are we ready? Okay, then. Here we go....

1. Badass people have many, many tattoos. I have a single tattoo, but it is of an owl, and as everybody knows, owls are predatory birds. If you are small enough, they can totally kill you.

2. Badass people have scars. I have a scar from the time a flaming hot shell casing from a .22 hit me on the bare leg. So, it could maybe be called a bullet wound if you think about it really hard.

3. Badass people perform daring feats. I throw myself into the ocean (almost) every Sunday as a rite of passage for the Polar Bear Club. When I get out, my leg whiskers feel like razor wire. Razor wire? Totally badass.

4. Badass people have a dad who is MIA. I only see my dad once or twice a year. He delivers propane for a living. And propane? Totally flammable.

5. People who are badass have parts of their lives that they don't talk about and/or can't remember. I don't remember the first two years of my life and I refuse to discuss junior high.

So, there you go. I am badass, and as 2010 begins, I intend to find ways to make myself more badass. I am taking suggestions. And I might post more often as well if Mario and Luigi can spare the best trigger finger of all time.