Monday, November 2, 2009

Studies Show That Meat Eaters Eat Meat Just to Annoy Vegan Activists

Despite the best efforts of author Jonathan Safran Foer and actress Natalie Portman to school the ignorant public on how the meat industry really works, meat-eaters all over the world continue to eat delicious meat at a steady rate. From bacon to filet mignon, if there is anything that the omnivorous can agree on, it's that animals taste like magic, only juicier.

And according to recent studies, most meat eaters, when surveyed, admit that they really only do it to annoy vegan activists.

"I actually prefer to eat vegetables," said one meat-craver at a recent meat-in. "But sometimes when vegan people are around, I like to gnaw on a leg of lamb just to get a rise out of them. It's really funny. They start to look all queasy."

Others argue that the steady meat consumption is really a way for omnivorous people to protest being patronized.

"I just get sick of people assuming that because I eat meat that I've never read Upton Sinclair's The Jungle or just don't understand where meat actually comes from," said one protestor from his booth at a local barbecue restaurant. "I know it's an animal and that industrial farming sucks. I also know that these ribs taste really good covered with barbecue sauce and with a side of baked beans."

In response to the current pro-meat protests, PETA president Ingrid Newkirk sponsored a new billboard featuring vegan activist Pamela Anderson fellating a cruelty-free cucumber. It should be noted that no animals were saved by the billboard in question.

**Love to my veg friends AND my meat-eating compatriots.


lalaland13 said...

"Like magic, only juicier."

Excellent. And as far as I can tell, PETA supports getting a lot of attention and naked ladies.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@lalaland13: And fat shaming! Don't forget that!

MsDirector said...

In my experience, magic is pretty damn juicy. It's not very good on bread with cheese and mustard, though.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@MsDirector: I suppose it would depend on a spell. That one that Hermione uses to dry things in the Harry Potter books might be a bit less juicy.

Jenn said...

I would eat meat even if I was told it could cure the environment and all the world's ails. 'Cause I'm that selfish and meat is THAT good, dammit.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Jenn: ME TOO.

That said, I'm going to go make a shepherd's pie now. For Mother England, James.