Tuesday, January 5, 2010
In Which I Dabble in Bad-Assery
Well, it's 2010, and since I haven't posted since November, you may have been pondering where I've been. Well, there is a long and a short explanation for my temporary hiatus. And since the long story is very, very long and there isn't enough vodka in the world to make you want to sit through me telling you about it, I will just give you the short explanation.
I bought a Wii, and it has taken over my life. Yes, I've spent the last month defeating The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. And then, for shits and giggles, I went back and beat it again. Don't judge me. There is a mini game where you get to ride around on a giant prehistoric bird and pop balloons.
I've also been dabbling in bad-assery. Won't you let me tell you about it? Won't you?
People who are genuinely badass have telltale markings of being badass. So, first I will outline those and then I will tell you why I qualify as a total badass. Are we ready? Okay, then. Here we go....
1. Badass people have many, many tattoos. I have a single tattoo, but it is of an owl, and as everybody knows, owls are predatory birds. If you are small enough, they can totally kill you.
2. Badass people have scars. I have a scar from the time a flaming hot shell casing from a .22 hit me on the bare leg. So, it could maybe be called a bullet wound if you think about it really hard.
3. Badass people perform daring feats. I throw myself into the ocean (almost) every Sunday as a rite of passage for the Polar Bear Club. When I get out, my leg whiskers feel like razor wire. Razor wire? Totally badass.
4. Badass people have a dad who is MIA. I only see my dad once or twice a year. He delivers propane for a living. And propane? Totally flammable.
5. People who are badass have parts of their lives that they don't talk about and/or can't remember. I don't remember the first two years of my life and I refuse to discuss junior high.
So, there you go. I am badass, and as 2010 begins, I intend to find ways to make myself more badass. I am taking suggestions. And I might post more often as well if Mario and Luigi can spare the best trigger finger of all time.