Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Eat Me! A Guide to Healthier Choices for a Less-Fat You

Let's face it. People are fatty fatty fat faces these days. 90% of people in the world are obese right now, according to a study I conducted this morning in the shower. And this is because they are all eating fast food for every single meal and nothing else.

So, if you want to be thin and beautiful, you need to make better food choices and quickly.

Because I am 100% positive that me posting a lot of calorie information is JUST WHAT YOU NEED to make a serious life change, that's exactly what I'm going to do. And then, I will provide you with a healthier option.

Let's get started, shall we? There is no time to waste for you wide loads.

1. Are you ready for the most important meal of the day?

How about a Carl's Jr. Loaded Breakfast Burrito, with freshly scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon bits, hash brown nuggets, shredded jack and cheddar cheeses, and fresh salsa wrapped in a warm flour tortilla? Not so fast, pork product! That burrito contains 780 calories and 49 grams of fat.

Instead, why not have one cup of nonfat yogurt sprinkled with shredded fat-free cheese and imitation bacon bits? Only 160 calories and 1 gram of fat. With the flavor of fake bacon and the cheesy meltiness of fat-free American cheese in a creamy cup of sour-tasting yogurt! Delicious AND healthy!

2. Now, how about some lunch?

Let's have Burger King's Angry Original Chicken Sandwich. It's crispy white meat chicken, onions, jalapenos, cheese, and sauce on a sesame seed bun. But before you tuck that napkin up under that second chin, get this! There are 870 calories and 55 grams of fat in that sandwich. And just think if you had had enough nickels left over in your cup holder to order fries, too.

Instead, why not have...?
Some jalapenos and sauce in a cup of nonfat yogurt! It has the biting spiciness of jalapenos! The sauciness of sauce! And the poop-inducing sour taste that you can only get from a cup of nonfat yogurt. And it's only 147 calories and .1 grams of fat. Enjoy!

3. Ready for dessert?

Why not have a Dairy Queen Large Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzard, which contains creamy vanilla soft serve and chopped pieces of turtle candy with nuts and caramel? But before you dig in to that behemoth Blizzard, notice that it also contains 1,530 calories and 80 grams of fat!

Instead, why not have...?

A cup of nonfat yogurt with four nice crunchy almonds and a few drops of imitation caramel flavoring. Almonds are heart-healthy! Imitation caramel flavoring is the color of a sunset! And the sour taste of nonfat yogurt sits in the back of your throat and burns only slightly if you vomit. Only 140 calories and two grams of fat in this dessert! Tasty and healthy.

Well, I hope we've all learned something today about making healthier eating choices. Next time you are hungry, maybe instead of pulling through the drive-thru of your local fast food establishment and filling your oversized belly with rubbish, you'll reach for a cup of nonfat yogurt instead. Happy eating!


Jen said...

Now I just want a cheeseburger and fries.Now I just want a cheeseburger and fries.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Jen: Oh, man. I highly recommend not researching calorie counts. It makes you hungry but reminds you to not get the big one.

peach said...

what did the yogurt industry ever do to you? (besides making your bowels more regular.)

Mimi said...

I'm still eating my white castle burgers... but now laughing my butt off as I do it. That'll burn some calories! :D