Friday, November 13, 2009

Beware of Cougars!

Men between the ages of 18 and 30 should beware the allure of the mighty cougar. Cougars tend to target men of that age group. And what they want is not what you think.

They want to eat you. Cougars get very, very hungry in the winter months when food is scarce. The easiest prey during that time is human men who tend to be out and about shopping for brand new snow pants for ski vacations. Cougars will see you leaving Bloomingdale's, and that's when they will pounce.

Cougars tend to look for young men with good hearts, open minds, and solid muscle mass. Also, someone who wears loose-fitting clothing and doesn't fight back or carry a firearm.

Sure, cougars also eat deer, elk, sheep, and domesticated animals such as horses and cattle. But how many of those creatures can a cougar find on 5th Avenue? (Apart from the Central Park Zoo, which is closely monitored for hungry predators?) Therefore, cougars must eat what is available. And that usually means young, attractive men shopping for winter wear. They run very slowly while carrying all those shopping bags. They also tend to be distracted by iPhone applications, rather than watching out for predatory mammals.

Cougars want to tear you apart, and not in a way that might benefit both of your needs. But in a way that will result in you being quite deceased and in the belly of a cougar.

So, this winter, if you're a young man, keep an eye out for cougars. They're everywhere.


Jen said...

And for fuck's sake, stay far away from Cougar Town!

wilsonbilson said...

You may have just saved lives.

Dingo said...

Hey, how am I supposed to go into this holiday season without a holiday post from you. Get with it, Mayor!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Dingo: Ha! Sorry. I haven't been feeling up to it lately, and I've been wicked busy with work. Soon...hopefully.