Friday, November 13, 2009

Beware of Cougars!

Men between the ages of 18 and 30 should beware the allure of the mighty cougar. Cougars tend to target men of that age group. And what they want is not what you think.

They want to eat you. Cougars get very, very hungry in the winter months when food is scarce. The easiest prey during that time is human men who tend to be out and about shopping for brand new snow pants for ski vacations. Cougars will see you leaving Bloomingdale's, and that's when they will pounce.

Cougars tend to look for young men with good hearts, open minds, and solid muscle mass. Also, someone who wears loose-fitting clothing and doesn't fight back or carry a firearm.

Sure, cougars also eat deer, elk, sheep, and domesticated animals such as horses and cattle. But how many of those creatures can a cougar find on 5th Avenue? (Apart from the Central Park Zoo, which is closely monitored for hungry predators?) Therefore, cougars must eat what is available. And that usually means young, attractive men shopping for winter wear. They run very slowly while carrying all those shopping bags. They also tend to be distracted by iPhone applications, rather than watching out for predatory mammals.

Cougars want to tear you apart, and not in a way that might benefit both of your needs. But in a way that will result in you being quite deceased and in the belly of a cougar.

So, this winter, if you're a young man, keep an eye out for cougars. They're everywhere.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Eat Me! A Guide to Healthier Choices for a Less-Fat You

Let's face it. People are fatty fatty fat faces these days. 90% of people in the world are obese right now, according to a study I conducted this morning in the shower. And this is because they are all eating fast food for every single meal and nothing else.

So, if you want to be thin and beautiful, you need to make better food choices and quickly.

Because I am 100% positive that me posting a lot of calorie information is JUST WHAT YOU NEED to make a serious life change, that's exactly what I'm going to do. And then, I will provide you with a healthier option.

Let's get started, shall we? There is no time to waste for you wide loads.

1. Are you ready for the most important meal of the day?

How about a Carl's Jr. Loaded Breakfast Burrito, with freshly scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon bits, hash brown nuggets, shredded jack and cheddar cheeses, and fresh salsa wrapped in a warm flour tortilla? Not so fast, pork product! That burrito contains 780 calories and 49 grams of fat.

Instead, why not have one cup of nonfat yogurt sprinkled with shredded fat-free cheese and imitation bacon bits? Only 160 calories and 1 gram of fat. With the flavor of fake bacon and the cheesy meltiness of fat-free American cheese in a creamy cup of sour-tasting yogurt! Delicious AND healthy!

2. Now, how about some lunch?

Let's have Burger King's Angry Original Chicken Sandwich. It's crispy white meat chicken, onions, jalapenos, cheese, and sauce on a sesame seed bun. But before you tuck that napkin up under that second chin, get this! There are 870 calories and 55 grams of fat in that sandwich. And just think if you had had enough nickels left over in your cup holder to order fries, too.

Instead, why not have...?
Some jalapenos and sauce in a cup of nonfat yogurt! It has the biting spiciness of jalapenos! The sauciness of sauce! And the poop-inducing sour taste that you can only get from a cup of nonfat yogurt. And it's only 147 calories and .1 grams of fat. Enjoy!

3. Ready for dessert?

Why not have a Dairy Queen Large Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzard, which contains creamy vanilla soft serve and chopped pieces of turtle candy with nuts and caramel? But before you dig in to that behemoth Blizzard, notice that it also contains 1,530 calories and 80 grams of fat!

Instead, why not have...?

A cup of nonfat yogurt with four nice crunchy almonds and a few drops of imitation caramel flavoring. Almonds are heart-healthy! Imitation caramel flavoring is the color of a sunset! And the sour taste of nonfat yogurt sits in the back of your throat and burns only slightly if you vomit. Only 140 calories and two grams of fat in this dessert! Tasty and healthy.

Well, I hope we've all learned something today about making healthier eating choices. Next time you are hungry, maybe instead of pulling through the drive-thru of your local fast food establishment and filling your oversized belly with rubbish, you'll reach for a cup of nonfat yogurt instead. Happy eating!

Monday, November 9, 2009

God Catches Up on His Correspondence

Dear Ms. Joplin,

I apologize for the lateness of my reply and do hope that this letter finds you well.

Per your request on October 1, 1970, I regret to inform you that I must unfortunately deny your requests for the following items: 1) a Mercedez Benz and 2) a color TV. The holy spending limit allots you only $30 per month for frivolities, and both items would put you over that limit.

Per your third request, "night on the town" is too general a term. If you would like to provide a detailed request as to what a "night on the town" might entail, I would be happy to review it and get back to you no later than November 9, 2039, with a final decision.

Again, I apologize for the delay in my response to your request. I've been busy for the last several years monitoring sporting events to determine who deserves to win and giving out Grammys.

The Lord

Friday, November 6, 2009

Steve Martin Is a Dirty, Rotten Scoundrel!

Well, this is the final day you will be forced to watch Steve Martin videos, as I will be returning on Monday with exciting new posts. But before I do that, here is Steve Martin as Ruprecht in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Also, Michael Caine (my first true love, after Steve Martin of course) and Frances Conroy from Six Feet Under. So, until Monday, keep the cork on the fork, Ruprecht.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Steve Martin is a Terrible Historian!

Steve Martin on King Tut. It requires no further description.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Steve Martin Is a Terrible Waiter!

Welcome to Day 2 of Steve Martin video week! After I have given myself a bit of a chance to catch up on some work, I will come back with new posts. But for now I am going to post some videos featuring the adorable, handsome, brilliant, and witty Steve Martin and hope that all of you will forgive my laziness.

Can we talk about how utterly amazing Steve Martin's cameo is in The Muppet Movie? The short shorts. The finest wine out of Idaho. When Steve Martin is your waiter, everyone wins.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Steve Martin Is a Terrible Dentist!

Hello! And welcome to Steve Martin video week!

Let's face it. All of us at the age of 10 wanted to marry Steve Martin. (Don't deny it, straight guys. You're not impervious.) The white hair. The Cowboy Gill scene in Parenthood. The mad banjo skills. He's ADORABLE. So, this week while I am seriously busy with work, I am going to provide you with some of Steve Martin's greatest moments. And then next week, I will return with fresh posts. In the meantime, try not to fall in love with Steve Martin. I know it's hard.

Think of it like the day your teacher decided she would rather show you a filmstrip and sit in the back of the classroom drinking vodka than force you to take notes over chloroplasts. So, make yourself a very small bowl of popcorn and kick back for the next 2 minutes and 32 seconds and enjoy my favorite scene from Little Shop of Horrors.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Studies Show That Meat Eaters Eat Meat Just to Annoy Vegan Activists

Despite the best efforts of author Jonathan Safran Foer and actress Natalie Portman to school the ignorant public on how the meat industry really works, meat-eaters all over the world continue to eat delicious meat at a steady rate. From bacon to filet mignon, if there is anything that the omnivorous can agree on, it's that animals taste like magic, only juicier.

And according to recent studies, most meat eaters, when surveyed, admit that they really only do it to annoy vegan activists.

"I actually prefer to eat vegetables," said one meat-craver at a recent meat-in. "But sometimes when vegan people are around, I like to gnaw on a leg of lamb just to get a rise out of them. It's really funny. They start to look all queasy."

Others argue that the steady meat consumption is really a way for omnivorous people to protest being patronized.

"I just get sick of people assuming that because I eat meat that I've never read Upton Sinclair's The Jungle or just don't understand where meat actually comes from," said one protestor from his booth at a local barbecue restaurant. "I know it's an animal and that industrial farming sucks. I also know that these ribs taste really good covered with barbecue sauce and with a side of baked beans."

In response to the current pro-meat protests, PETA president Ingrid Newkirk sponsored a new billboard featuring vegan activist Pamela Anderson fellating a cruelty-free cucumber. It should be noted that no animals were saved by the billboard in question.

**Love to my veg friends AND my meat-eating compatriots.