Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wedding Ceremonies on Other Planets
















We are gathered here today in the presence of the high cerebral being to celebrate the mutual attraction of this male life form and this female life form and bind them together under the gaze of the eyestalks of those individuals who slithered here today.

The great book of Ansoxx teaches us that mutual attraction and the wish to mate is patient, as females must dig themselves up from under the ground after a four-year maturation period. And it is kind, unless we are forced to thin the population of males. It is never boastful, except during the death-bringing epidemic of 25800, when everyone had to wrestle for nourishment, and the Queen was the only available egg layer. And it culminates in a joining of tentacles and exchanging of mucous sacs.

If any being here feels that these two should not be joined as mates, say dissenting words now or face the pain of being eaten by the Vylort beast after the traditional time period of 17 days.

Now, if there are no dissenting words, I will continue with the joining ceremony.

Do you, Crovat Hiberx 6000, take Velert Wellux 12 to be your lawfully wedded egg layer?

And do you, Velert Wellux 12, take Crovat Hiberx 6000 to be your life mate until such time that you lay your eggs and then feed upon him?

And now the vows. Repeat after I speak, if you will.

I, Crovat Hiberx 6000, take you, Velert Wellux 12 to have and to hold, from the time our mating period commences until you lay our eggs and then remove my head, continue to have intercourse with my body while it slowly dies, and then begin to feed upon my corpse. Then, and only then, will our vows be broken.

Very well. And now...

I, Velert Wellux 12, take you, Crovat Hiberx 6000 to have and to hold, until you have implanted your spermatozoa in my horlax and I have humanely dispatched you.

If all present accept these vows, then, by the power vested in me by the Arluxian Space Council, I now pronounce you mates.

You may rub tentacles.

And now, the Queen egg layer will now approach the altar to perform the necessary sacrifices. Those of you who aren't chosen may go in peace.

11 comments:

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

The same sex bugs will be up in tentacles.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@JPC: Why? They're allowed to marry too.

anonymous fruit said...

i come from a place where we don't talk about such things. but i truly want to understand. in that case... who eats whom?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@anonymous fruit: I think that is a matter of personal preference and decided between the couple in question. Or if they are both males, perhaps they eat each other. If they are both females, perhaps neither are eaten and they end up living a very full life together, hiring a donor male or two to impregnate both of them before they dispatch him. It's very hard to say without further research.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

Them too Mayor, bravo!...hmmm must be election time.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@JPC: Nope. That would be my answer any time.

anonymous fruit said...

perhaps that would be why your town is infested with zombies! i mean, think about it....

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@anonymous fruit: 1) The town became infested with zombies because of the Bethville Dill Pickling and the Boris Karloff Impersonation Showdown occurring on the same day. 2) The town WAS infested with zombies. But we eradicated them with Zombiegone Ointment and the Benville Professional Golfing Team and Amateur Crochet Association wielding chainsaws. 3) I'm taking your comment as a joke and not as a political commentary on the subject of gay marriage. If that is not the case, then please refrain from addressing your views further.

anonymous fuzzy fruit said...

oh dear, i guess i must address my views further... although, it was closer to political commentary than a joke. i just don't understand what us bombing iraq has to do with god being unhappy. the logic baffles me.

(once again, i didn't think i was that anonymous. i'm must be better at this than i think.)

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@anonymous fuzzy fruit: Ohhhhh, I know who you are. Never mind. HI! Don't change your name like that. You know I'm not that quick on the uptake sometimes.

anonymous fruit said...

whatever, osceola. i think you are clever-er than i am.