Thursday, October 1, 2009

Some Extremely Important Celebrity Headlines from the Near Future

Whenever I read a headline having to do with some celebrity collapsing or being rushed somewhere, I feel a little bit of sadness in my heart. Not because I'm afraid that the person will die, but because it's always something unimportant. Like when your phone rings at 4 AM and it's your friend totally drunk and weeping because she saw a guy that looked like her ex-boyfriend. Or when your mom calls you and says, "I have bad news," and it's that your parents' dog got run over by the gas truck, but he's fine.

So, when a celebrity is "hospitalized and released" within an hour because of some food poisoning crisis, I wonder if I really needed to know that. Or if it's just a lot more of that overshare that is becoming an increasingly invasive part of our lives.

That said, I predict it's only going to get worse. And so, using my psychic powers, I've compiled this list of extremely important celebrity headlines from the near future.

"AAAAAAAA! Is That My Shadow?" Asks Courteney Cox

Charlie Sheen Has Foot Cramp, Rushed to Podiatrist

Alec Baldwin Confesses to Oprah: I Suffer from Severe Constipation

Rihanna Says, "This Tattoo Really Itches"

McConaughey Wonders If It's Herpes

Anne Hathaway Drank Too Much Last Night and Now Has a Hangover

Hugh Jackman Carries Heavy Box Without Proper Lumbar Support

Patrick Dempsey Stubs Toes on $4,000 Sofa, May Have Gotten Blood on It

Drew Barrymore Quite Close to Grease Fire in Kitchen

Halle Berry Slept Weird

Jack Nicholson Has Terrible Dining Experience

Jessica Simpson Gets Hurt Feelings

Brad and Angelina Go In for Cleaning, Dentist Pleased That They're Flossing

Gwyneth Suffers from Blouse Stain

Got another celebrity headline? Share it in comments.


angiesyounglover said...


John Gosselin Broke Watch, Doesn't Know How Many Minutes of Fame are Left.

wilsonbilson said...

Note to self: Never drink water while reading Welcome to Bethville.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@AYL: Yes. Like that one! Hilarious!

@WB: I advise a rain bonnet for the keyboard.

lalaland13 said...

This Prison Cell Poorly Insulated, Reports Roman Polanski

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Lala: That one actually made me pee a little.

AmazonRedhead said...

Michelle Duggar Plugs New Book: 101 Uses for that Old, Discarded Uterus.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@AmRed: That sounds like one from the distant future. She's got several good years left in that uterus.

AmazonRedhead said...

This one might come sooner, then:

Duggar Uterus Briefly Escapes, Is Recaptured

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Or Duggar Uterus Goes Rogue.

AmazonRedhead said...

Duggar Uterus Cries "Uncle"

World Relieved as Jim Bob Duggar Finally Out of Sperm

I just really hate the Duggars. 19 kids? Really? REALLY?! Fuck you.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Yes, I hear you. I don't so much dislike them for having 19 kids. That's their choice, as idiotic as it is to me. It's the HUGE deal that people make of it, like it's something deserving of awe and praise. And, of course, how they've capitalized on it. It also makes me sad for parents who can't have children.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

Coyote regurgitates Jessica Simpson's dog. Coyote says it tastes like chicken.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...


The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I received these via email. Thanks so much to the person who wrote them!

Lindsay Lohan Gets Through A Full Day Without A Weird Incident

Megan Fox actually says something intelligent.

Jessica Simpson challenges Oprah Winfrey to a contest as to who can "yo-yo" their weight the most

Madonna's Mirror Tells Her "Anne Hathaway Is The Fairest Of Them All"