Thursday, October 1, 2009
Some Extremely Important Celebrity Headlines from the Near Future
Whenever I read a headline having to do with some celebrity collapsing or being rushed somewhere, I feel a little bit of sadness in my heart. Not because I'm afraid that the person will die, but because it's always something unimportant. Like when your phone rings at 4 AM and it's your friend totally drunk and weeping because she saw a guy that looked like her ex-boyfriend. Or when your mom calls you and says, "I have bad news," and it's that your parents' dog got run over by the gas truck, but he's fine.
So, when a celebrity is "hospitalized and released" within an hour because of some food poisoning crisis, I wonder if I really needed to know that. Or if it's just a lot more of that overshare that is becoming an increasingly invasive part of our lives.
That said, I predict it's only going to get worse. And so, using my psychic powers, I've compiled this list of extremely important celebrity headlines from the near future.
"AAAAAAAA! Is That My Shadow?" Asks Courteney Cox
Charlie Sheen Has Foot Cramp, Rushed to Podiatrist
Alec Baldwin Confesses to Oprah: I Suffer from Severe Constipation
Rihanna Says, "This Tattoo Really Itches"
McConaughey Wonders If It's Herpes
Anne Hathaway Drank Too Much Last Night and Now Has a Hangover
Hugh Jackman Carries Heavy Box Without Proper Lumbar Support
Patrick Dempsey Stubs Toes on $4,000 Sofa, May Have Gotten Blood on It
Drew Barrymore Quite Close to Grease Fire in Kitchen
Halle Berry Slept Weird
Jack Nicholson Has Terrible Dining Experience
Jessica Simpson Gets Hurt Feelings
Brad and Angelina Go In for Cleaning, Dentist Pleased That They're Flossing
Gwyneth Suffers from Blouse Stain
Got another celebrity headline? Share it in comments.