Monday, October 26, 2009

Meth Writes Tell-All Memoir About Jodie Sweetin





















Fed up with the bad press it is getting following the recent confession of former child actor Jodie Sweetin that she continued to use it after she was allegedly clean, methamphetamine has written its own memoir. According to Sweetin's memoir, which will be released November 3 from Simon Spotlight Entertainment, Sweetin continued to give anti-drug speeches while still using in order to fund her drug habit. According to methamphetamine's memoir, Meth: Unmethed, which will be released November 4 from a publishing company that is probably imaginary, methamphetamine faced horrible abuse at the hands of the former Full House star.

"I JUST WANT TO GET IT OUT THERE," said meth in a statement, "THAT JODIE SWEETIN IS A DEMON AND MY NIGHTMARES BURN LIKE FIRE."






















The 3,000-page memoir, which was written with the assistance of a ghost writer who was luckily able to type 200 words per minute, mostly consists of several hundred pages of paranoid nonsense typed in all caps, accompanied by pencil drawings of body parts with nails being driven through them.

Jodie Sweetin played the adorable and plucky Stephanie Tanner on Full House for eight seasons. The show was mercifully cancelled before any more innocent children could be forced to join the cast and be subjected to Dave Coulier's extremely unfunny impression of Popeye, which some may argue drove Sweetin to drug use.

Methamphetamine is a central nervous system stimulant drug that can be taken in a variety of ways, none of which are advised by anyone who likes his or her skin to be blemish-free. Also not advised is visiting this website.

Don't do meth, kids.

9 comments:

Jen said...

Does meth also share insights on its time with Fergie?

METHAMPHETAMINE said...

@JEN: YOUR EYES ARE COVERED WITH SPIDERS.

Jen said...

Shit, and here I thought the itchiness was due to allergies. Spiders, huh?

Jen said...

In related news, Methamphetamines have filed a defamation lawsuit against A&E for its negative portrayal of the drug on "Intervention." Said Meth, "Being repeatedly subjected to witnessing my own abuse on national television, and having it edited to make me look like the bad guy, has caused irreparable damage to my psyche. Also, the government is probably behind it."

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@JEN #1: YES, SPIDERS. AND SCORPIONS WILL EAT YOUR EYES IN A RED NIGHTMARE OF PAIN.

@JEN #2: ALSO UPSETTING IS MY UNFORTUNATELY NEGATIVE PORTRAYAL ON BREAKING BAD.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Oh whoops, now you all know my secret. It's been me all along. Not Meth. Not Andrew Jackson. Not Fat Shakespeare. Me. I'm ashamed.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

I wanna hear Dave Coulier doin Elmer Fudd on meth.

t.c. said...

I think you mean for readers to click on these links, despite utterances to the contrary!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@t.c.: Of course I do.

I just remembered I have to have Meth write a tell-all about Andre Agassi now. My work is never done.