Thursday, October 15, 2009
A Long List of Excuses for Why There Isn't a Post for Today
1. My feet hurt. I wore new boots yesterday, and now my feet are covered with blisters. And since I type my posts with my feet and I don't want to get blister juice all over the keyboard, I am giving myself a day off.
2. I'm so loopy this week, I realized this morning that I forgot my dentist appointment yesterday. And the fear of impending gingivitis is making it hard to concentrate on writing funny things for you to laugh at.
3. Growing concern over the fact that I just ended that last excuse with a preposition.
4. We had no internet at work for most of the day. "Why does that matter?" my boss asks. "Oh, it doesn't," I respond. "Never mind."
5. I had a very important meeting to attend. They did not serve pie there, so I am still not sure why it was important.
6. I have "Bartleby, the Scrivener" disease. If you don't get this excuse, I advise you to go immediately from this blog to here and read up on some delightful American literature.
7. "But I don't like Melville," you quip.
8. "Fine, then," I retort. "Then go here and read up on that episode of SpongeBob where Plankton steals SpongeBob's brain and puts it in a robot who says, "I don't wanna," when Plankton gives him orders.
9. "I don't like SpongeBob either," you complain.
10. At this point, I hate you, for the record and wish you would go here instead.
11. "Well, that's not very nice," you say, as you spoon feed oatmeal to starving orphans.
12. "You deserved it," I respond.
13. "I don't like you," you say.
14. "I don't like you either," I say.
15. "Fine, I'm leaving," you exclaim dramatically.
16. "I can't let you do that," I say.
17. "What are you doing with that pickax, Bethany?" you ask.
18. "Oh, nothing," I whisper, in the manner of a serial killer.
19. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" you scream.
20. And that, my friends, is why there is no blog post today. I have PMS, and I just can't fucking handle it right now. Hugs!