Monday, October 19, 2009
Garth Brooks Returns, Everyone Else Leaves
Country music artist Garth Brooks announced Thursday that he is returning to the music business. And with his return, the streets of Nashville were quickly emptied. Upon hearing of Brooks coming out of retirement, the entire population of Nashville, TN, went into hiding.
"Shhhhhh! Don't tell him we're here!" said around 619,626 people, ducking down and hiding underneath a really big dining room table, to comedic effect.
Now 46, Brooks retired from country music in 2000 to pursue a career as a full-time dad and rich bastard. "I got to a point," Brooks said at the time, according to an interview I just fabricated, "where there was so much money in my bank account, I just didn't have room for any more. So I started putting it in my sock drawer. I ran out of space there. So, I just burned the whole house to the ground and built a new one! With a pool shaped like a guitar! I hated it, so I burned that to the ground and built ANOTHER one shaped like a big hat. And now I'm happy."
Brooks skyrocketed to stardom in 1990 with the release of No Fences, which featured the anthem of drunken turds everywhere, "Friends in Low Places." He followed that album up with some other one, and then another one, and then some other one, and did a bunch of concerts on TV, which definitely interrupted our regularly scheduled programming at the time.
"Hey, where did everybody go?" asked Brooks, arriving in Nashville. "I thought I had friends in low places. Get it?"
"And that is the reason we're hiding," whispered far superior country music artist Loretta Lynn. "He's such a twat."
Nashville residents only returned to their homes after Brooks announced that his shows would take place in Vegas.