Friday, October 16, 2009
Frightening Friday: The Impolitely Accused Witches of Salem
Welcome once again to the most frightening thing you will encounter all week. And it's not a naked man chasing you with a water balloon. It's Frightening Friday! Once again, I will tell you a terrifying tale, and you will get really scared. And while I would love to reassure you that you won't die from fright, I can make no guarantees. So if you die after you read this story of horror, your relatives cannot sue me for everything in my bank account--which I can assure them right now is not much.
If you do die from terror-induced heart palpitations, it's your own fault anyway for not following a heart-healthy diet in the first place. If I were you, before I even started reading, I would eat a salad and run a few laps. In fact, go ahead and do that now. I'll wait...
Done? Okay, NOW! Join me in a frightening tale of the highest level of fear-inducement...
Witches lived quite happily in the town of Salem for many, many years. And while they had warts and large, pointed noses and wore long, black dresses and tall, conical hats, the warts were actually very becoming with their features and they were always sure to wear pink and purple striped socks with their outfits for a bit of color.
Unfortunately, going by names like Warthazel and Broomhilda made them stand out terribly among the Salemites, who typically had more traditional names, like Mary and Cotton. So, while the witches just really wanted to live peaceful lives and go about their days of brewing potions and racing through the night on their brooms, the people of Salem had to go and be all annoying and oppressive about it.
You see, the people of Salem were ridiculous and extremely religious and had no senses of humor at all. Not even when Goodwife Brewster thought it would be funny to put farting powder in Samuel Putnam's evening tea, and especially not that time John Hubbard wrote "Kick me" on the backside of William Hawthorne's trousers and stood back and watched in amusement as everyone in town did as he asked.
So, while Warthazel and Broomhilda were just going about their business one night of mashing scorpions for a potion that would give everyone in Salem candy, the people of Salem decided to come to their hut with pitchforks and torches and set the witches on fire in a way that would guarantee them no candy ever again because that is just plain rude.
"Come out, witches! And submit thine selves for a roast on the stake," said Goodman Polpot.
"We are not at home," said Broomhilda, throwing her voice in a quite unconvincing manner.
"Yes, you are," said Goodwife Mussolini-Brown, unconvinced by the unconvincing voice.
"Okay," said Warthazel, and the two witches went outside to face their punishment for doing nothing at all.
"Ye stand accused of being witches," said Reverend Adolf Green. "How do ye plead?"
"Uh...guilty," said Broomhilda. "We told you we were witches when you 'colonized' this place."
"Yeah," said Warthazel. "How is this suddenly a problem? Didn't you guys like last year's crop of gumdrops?"
"No!" said Goody Mussolini-Brown. "We hated them! All of us preferred the licorice from the year before."
"Exactly!" said Reverend Green. "Now you both must get burned at the stake because we are displeased by this year's candy bounty."
As you can imagine, the witches found this entire process to be really stupid and annoying. So, they flew away on their brooms, as witches are wont to do. They eventually settled elsewhere and lived happily ever after.
Later, local Indians, tired of the stupid tactics of the stupid colonists, very politely asked them to leave. The colonists agreed after many hugs and smiles. And the colonists sailed back to England where they would live to this day if they weren't all dead. Everyone was quite happy, and the Indians had all the candy they ever wanted.