Friday, October 9, 2009
Frightening Friday: The Gourmet Zombie Brain Eater!
Welcome to the second Friday of October, which brings with it the second installment of Frightening Friday, wherein I tell you a bonecurdling tale of terror, which will surely make you wet your pants and cry like a young person whose gender is irrelevant.
And again, I will enjoy knowing that as you lie in your bed at night and wonder if that dark shadow in your closet is a werewolf who is preparing to eat you, I will lie in my bed knowing that the sinister shadow in my closet is only my vacuum cleaner. And while you wonder if that sound under your bed is a clown monster thinking very hard about jumping out to torture you with fear, I will sleep peacefully knowing that the sound under my bed is only a colony of mice.
NOW! Change into your adult-sized Pampers and prepare yourself for terror!
And so we begin...
All the zombies loved to eat brains. Some of the zombies liked to eat intestines. A few of the zombies enjoyed eating dismembered limbs. But only one zombie liked to eat all of these things sprinkled with paprika.
And that zombie was named Berniece.
Berniece the zombie was made undead during the Great Zombie Apocalypse of 2015. Everyone in the whole world perished during the apocalypse, except millions of zombies and a few hundred humans who had barricaded themselves inside local school buildings, shopping centers, and flame thrower emporiums.
Sometimes the humans would let down their guard at these makeshift fortresses, and zombies would swarm in, tearing people limb from limb and enjoying a nice meal of fresh brains. Or, on other occasions, the humans would venture out in search of food or hand grenades. The zombies, who were not as dumb as they looked, would groan in amusement at these tasks and then simply limp over and feast upon the humans with zeal. The zombies thought it was great fun.
Early in her zombiehood, Berniece found herself unsatisfied simply feasting upon flesh of the living. She tired of spending her days standing outside the well barricaded doors of the VFW with the other zombies as they tried to claw their way inside to get to the humans hiding there. Berniece longed for something different.
One day, while some of the other zombies were running down the street after bus filled with people trying to escape the city, Berniece stumbled into a shop that had a very strange scent. It was the smell of spices. (And dead spice shop owners, but that is neither here nor there.) The shelves of the shop were filled with spices. Salt! Pepper! Paprika! Cumin! Cardamom! For the first time in the period since she died and woke craving the flesh of the living, Berniece was filled with hope. No more bland brains for her!
And so, Berniece became the only zombie in the history of zombies to walk around the city carrying a salt shaker and a spice grinder. At least until 2020 when the last of the human population was wiped out, and the zombies were forced to feed on each other. After many years of that, all the zombies eventually starved to death, which led to a rise in the rat and cockroach populations. They learned to walk upright and threw fun parties every single day until the end of eternity. And all was well.