Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Extremely Important Closed-Door Meeting Today (MANDATORY)

[Day 1]

9:00 AM

Gentlemen, I would like to start this important business meeting with a hearty and very masculine harrumph. “Harrumph!” Now, to business.

First off, who brought cupcakes? Very good. Hand me a chocolate one. Thank you, Johnson. Well, well, well…is this a marzipan rendering of my hindquarters with you smooching them? You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Johnson. Congratulations, I just made you VP in Charge of Exclamatory Sentences, effective immediately.

10:00 AM

I have a shiny new quarter for the next executive who raises his hand and gives me the sales reports.

What do you mean we don’t have sales reports? How else are we going to find out what’s going on in the sales department?

What do you mean we don’t have a sales department? Isn’t there some kind of a sales department founding committee to take care of things like this? I can’t be expected to construct all of these popsicle stick houses and create a sales department, too.

Okay, then. For now, we’ll proceed to the monkey spanking reports. Who spanked a monkey this morning? Anyone? Well then, gentlemen, we need to work on spanking more monkeys more frequently. We’ll found a monkey spanking task force and pull the trigger on this thing. That will increase productivity as illustrated in this chart. See this blue line that goes up? That shows that our monkey spanking will increase steadily over the next year, if we...Wait! This is the inappropriate acts with a lawn ornament chart. Where is the monkey spanking chart? Oh, here it is under the gingerbread village. Are you all looking at the chart? All on the same page here? Good…

11:00 AM

Next order of business. Has anyone seen Mr. Jenkins? No? Get the Finding Jenkins task force on this immediately. I sent him out for licorice nips two hours ago…

12:30 PM

Okay, next on the agenda. This is an ordinary piece of paper. But watch! I fold here and here and here and voila! It’s a scale model of Wetherby’s appendix. Applaud!

Thank you! Thank you. And now a dramatic reading from our company handbook…
(Day 1 transcription truncated)

[Day 2]

9:00 AM

Thank you, Gentlemen, for coming to Day Two of our important business meeting. I’m wearing this false mustache because today is Bring Your Father to Work Day. And my father was killed in an unfortunate paper pushing accident and was unable to make it. I guess he was pushing some paper across his desk, got a paper cut, and it became infected. Several years later, he died. So I am here on his behalf. Who has jelly beans? I’m starving! I had no time for breakfast because I was digging up my father to steal his false mustache.

And now, to business. Let’s get out our cell phones and make some random calls to area businesses asking if they have Prince Albert in a can. Johnson! Put away that miniature replica of 15th century Venice and pay attention. We’ll have miniature replica show-and-tell after we make s’mores…

10:00 AM

Next order of business? Oh, I have an idea. LAYOFFS! Who should we fire? I’m going to fire the coffee maker and that chair for starters. Johnson, have them escorted from the building. Quit your sniveling, Wetherby. You can sit on Anderson’s lap for the duration of the meeting. Anderson! Make room on your lap for Wetherby…

11:30 AM

What’s next on the agenda. Nothing? Okay, let’s order lunch and charge it to the CEO’s Ultra Platinum Visa. It will make him very angry. Someone call my assistant in here to take our order. I think I’ll have a pot of soup with exactly 6.5 oyster crackers.

Assistant! Oh, good. You’re here. Order Baxter some fresh applesauce and ten raisin scones for Johnson. I’ll need you to spoon feed me when the food arrives. Get a few ketchup packets for yourself…

12:30 PM

Now, where was I? Ah yes, balloon animals. I want everyone's balloon animals on my desk first thing in the morning. Any questions? Good. Let's adjourn.

[end transcription]


wilsonbilson said...

I read that whole thing in the voice of J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson from the spider man movies. You're brilliant.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@WB: I cheated and wrote that ages ago. It might have been in my old blog at some point. I can't even remember. I'm being lazy today.

Joe Berkowitz said...

"We need to work on spanking more monkeys more frequently. We’ll found a monkey spanking task force and pull the trigger on this thing."


The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@JB: It's not even a euphemism. They really are spanking monkeys. PETA would be all over it if they weren't busy spanking their own monkeys.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

Did that brown noser Jenkins ever get back with the licorice nips?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@JPC: You may find out in the sequel.