Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Twilight Spill Pollutes Harbor with Gallons of Juvenile Sappiness

In one of the worst disasters in the history of young adult fiction, a tanker carrying 12,000,000 copies of the popular series Twilight ran aground off the coast of Hawaii spilling millions of pages of teenage romance into the harbor and polluting everything within a twenty mile radius with sappiness.

The popular series, involving a teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire, has likely sold more than 80 kajillion copies since the first book was released in 2005. The movie, merely an assault on the eyes if you leave the television on mute, was released in 2008.

Making the situation worse, Twilight fans in the area of the spill leaped into the water to retrieve the books, citing that their love for Edward Cullen would never let them drown. Several of them did, as the 498-page, water-logged tales of hot teenage vampire lust dragged them to the bottom.

Area seagulls, who before the spill were just walking around pecking at scraps of things, suddenly began to stumble around love struck. One slightly scruffy and abnormally large male seagull and one smaller extremely pale seagull began to fight over the affections of one female seagull, who seemed flattered but surprised by all the attention.

Cleanup is already underway. DVDs of Blade and Buffy are being dumped in the harbor to counteract the effects of the spill.

Fishermen are urged to stay out of the area during the cleanup, lest they fall victim to Robert Pattinson Fever and start running around screaming like sissy women.


lalaland13 said...

Those poor seagulls. They couldn't help it. The girls could.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

What? Seagulls can't love some Robert Pattinson too?

RaZz the feminist said...

This is beyond hilarious!!! You rock!!!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Aw, thanks so much. I love getting comments like this.

jody! said...

dear mayor,

i adore your writing more than any girl adores edward cullen/robert pattinson.


The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jody!: I think you're just buttering me up so you can take advantage of me later.