Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Twilight Spill Pollutes Harbor with Gallons of Juvenile Sappiness
In one of the worst disasters in the history of young adult fiction, a tanker carrying 12,000,000 copies of the popular series Twilight ran aground off the coast of Hawaii spilling millions of pages of teenage romance into the harbor and polluting everything within a twenty mile radius with sappiness.
The popular series, involving a teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire, has likely sold more than 80 kajillion copies since the first book was released in 2005. The movie, merely an assault on the eyes if you leave the television on mute, was released in 2008.
Making the situation worse, Twilight fans in the area of the spill leaped into the water to retrieve the books, citing that their love for Edward Cullen would never let them drown. Several of them did, as the 498-page, water-logged tales of hot teenage vampire lust dragged them to the bottom.
Area seagulls, who before the spill were just walking around pecking at scraps of things, suddenly began to stumble around love struck. One slightly scruffy and abnormally large male seagull and one smaller extremely pale seagull began to fight over the affections of one female seagull, who seemed flattered but surprised by all the attention.
Cleanup is already underway. DVDs of Blade and Buffy are being dumped in the harbor to counteract the effects of the spill.
Fishermen are urged to stay out of the area during the cleanup, lest they fall victim to Robert Pattinson Fever and start running around screaming like sissy women.