Thursday, September 24, 2009

Man Packs on Pounds for Role as Arby's Manager























Inspired by the weight-gaining efforts of Renee Zellweger and Matt Damon for their respective roles in the Bridget Jones films and The Informant, local Arby's employee Jason Fordley intends to bulk up for his new role as manager.

"Who would you accept a hot roast beef sandwich from?" asked Fordley. "A skinny little guy or a big, fat guy? Skinny managers just look like they're judging your eating choices. I intend to take this managing role to the next level."

Fordley's new diet includes four large jamocha shakes each day, along with seven orders of curly fries and six large beef and cheddar sandwiches with plenty of mayonnaise. With over 427.5 grams of fat and 8,925 calories entering his system daily, Fordley will likely reach his goal of being tastefully obese by Thanksgiving.

"I'm happy with the way things are going," said Fordley. "My skin is breaking out nicely, and I've definitely developed a second chin." He added, "My girlfriend loves to play with it."

Fordley is even working with a trainer who helps him find the most comfortable spot on his couch at night and brings his remote control and several six-packs.

Fordley defended his choice of gaining weight for the part, rather than just donning a fat suit, as many have by saying, "If I'm going to do this...if I'm truly going to lead this team, I'm going to do it as real as I can."

Employee of the Month nominations are to be announced early next week.

12 comments:

wilsonbilson said...

Tastefully obese. This man is a HERO.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@wb: He started out as "charmingly" obese and then "playfully" obese. But at Thanksgiving, it is always best to be tasteful.

wilsonbilson said...

HERO. Get it?! See what I did there?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

*crickets* :)

wilsonbilson said...

Well played.

Nefarious Newt said...

Mmmmmmmmm... Arby's roast beef....

I used to work at an Arby's, but it never dawned on me that my lack of promotion may have been caused by a lack of bulk.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@nefnewt: It's kind of hilarious that as I was researching the calorie/fat count for accuracy, I found myself starting to crave Arby's.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

"I've definitely developed a second chin." He added, "My girlfriend loves to play with it." Hmmm alarm bells on this, I'm sensing dudes got a very small penis if a chinny chin chin rub indulges the lady friend. He's depressed about it and is using the managerial job as a reason to pig out.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

JPC: Since he is fictional and I invented him, I can decide about the size of his junk. And it's YOOOOGE.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

Well I see we have opposite imaginations.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@JPC: Ha! I think so.

Anonymous said...

I haven't been this inspired since Denzel Washington went through 89 surgeries to play Nixon in Frost Nixon. God bless you sir.