Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Letter from the 19th Duggar Fetus After the Fame Goes to His Head

Dear Mother and Father,

I apologize for not contacting you personally. This message has been dictated to my personal assistant, Megan. I felt it was in the best interests of my upcoming birth and celebrity status that I do a little PR from the womb beforehand, so I have a lunch meeting with my agent at 12:30. (Mom, if you could eat a couple of sandwiches from that nice deli on the corner around 12:15, that would be great. Keep in mind, I don't like mayo. And maybe a few bottles of Perrier. Dessert, no dessert. Your choice.) But I do have a few things we need to go over just to keep the next six months and my post-birth years running smoothly.

First of all, maintenance. If we could get a decorator in here stat, that would be great. These draperies are from at least ten babies ago. Also, we're going to need to get someone to do some dusting and take Jordyn-Grace's paperwork to basement storage. I'm going to need some of these file drawers cleared out to make room for my stuff. Also, it's pretty dark and dank in here, so some air fresheners and overhead lighting might be nice. You can leave the carpet as is for now.

Secondly, I've got some ideas on publicity going forward. I'd like to think outside the box on this one. I'm thinking womb cam. I'm thinking reality show with one of those Gosselin kids. I'm thinking endorsement deal with Fisher Price. I'm thinking hosting duties at the La Leche League Best of the Breast Awards. I'll set up a meeting for sometime during the second trimester for us to go over everything. If you guys could go ahead and get the ball rolling on some of this stuff, that would be great. We should probably do a photo shoot at four months. I should have some hair and teeth by then.

Thirdly, Dad, I'm going to need you to keep Dick Cheney out of my office, if you get my drift. His last "intrusion" interrupted an extremely important phone call. This is a place of business, and I need you to respect that. Mom, help me out here and stop vacuuming the living room in that flannel nightgown.

Finally, let me just go ahead and ask that you not name me like I was born in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly. Let's go with something a little more corporate this time, so we can land more endorsements. I'm just going to blue sky it here and suggest JetBlue Duggar. The original suggestion of J.P. Morgan Duggar seems like it might be problematic. But I'll leave you guys to go over the numbers on which of those might be better. Get back to me sometime next week with that.

If you have any questions about my upcoming birth, don't hesitate to contact Megan or contact me personally via umbilicus. I'll kick the uterine wall if I need anything.


J-name Duggar, CEO
Duggar Womb Inc.


Jenn said...

One word: Brilliant.

The Duggar Fetus said...

@jenn: I like how you think. Tell you what, I'll make a place for you in the Duggar organization. Do you do filing?

Anonymous said...

Perhaps if it's a girl, you could name it Jantzen--I smell a swimsuit endorsement deal! Baby bikinis!

The Duggar CEO and Fetus said...

@bubblegumculture: I need swimsuit. It's damp in here. And maybe a snorkel.