Friday, September 18, 2009

"I'm Just Going to Take This"

Oh, excuse me. I know this is the middle of your blessed wedding day, but I REALLY have to take this call. Hold on a second there, Mr. Reverend Guy. Quit talking for just a minute. I'll just step out in the hallway, have this conversation, and be right back. Now, don't exchange any vows or any stuff with the rings until I return. I mean it, you guys! It will just take, like, ten minutes tops. And then you guys can finish up and we can head to the reception for all the cake and punch stuff. But I don't want to miss anything, so just take a load off for a minute.

What's your name again, Bride? Laurie? Okay, yeah. Get comfortable. I hate to see you standing there all uncomfortable in that getup. Especially in your condition. What? Nobody knows about the baby yet? My bad. I thought everyone knew considering you threw this shindig together in just the last two weeks. It doesn't help that you look a little bit like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in the dress, if you get my drift. But, hey, don't take that the wrong way. Everybody loves marshmallows.

Hey, simmer down, father of the bride. Don't get your cummerbund in a knot. We can get back to it in just a few. I mean, wedding days are supposed to be a little bit crazy. This is just adding to the excitement, right? When I get back, we can get these kids all married and be done with it. But before we do that, I have to take this phone call.

I wouldn't take it if it weren't important. Like if it were my boss being all, "Hey, where the hell are you? It's 4:30, and I don't remember giving you the day off," I'd just let it go to voicemail. I wouldn't But this is way more important than that. It's HUGE. It's epic. It involves an investment opportunity.

But don't you kids worry. I'll be right back in 10 to 15 minutes, whenever I get done with this phone call. Then, you can toss the garter, throw the bouquet to some ugly chick, and we can all get outta here.

Oh, shit. He hung up. Well, I guess I'll just wait until he calls back. Carry on, Reverend Guy!

*ring ring*

Oh, there he is again.

You know what? I'm just going to go out in the hall and take this. Don't do anything! I'll be right back.


Jenn said...

Sounds like those a**holes in movie theaters who don't mind talking because they saw the damn movie already. They're going to hades in a handbasket, I tell ya.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jenn: Whoa, don't even get me started on that.