Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Fun with Latisse!

Suffer from short eyelashes? Love Brooke Shields? Try Latisse, the treatment to grow longer, fuller, and darker eyelashes.

Nothing is worse than having short eyelashes. People aren't drawn to your eyes and must focus on your breasts instead. You try to put mascara on, smear it all over your whole face, and end up looking like the love child of Gloria Swanson and Tammy Faye Messner.

Short eyelashes make dating difficult as well. Available men look into your eyes and just think, "Yuck! What a disgusting specimen of a human being. Her eyelashes are practically stumpy. I've seen some ugly women in my time, but this no-eyelashed freak is going to give me nightmares tonight. I'll wake up screaming, clutching my pillow in terror and grasping at my own face to make sure that my own supple eyelashes are still there."

It's worse when you leave the isolation of your own home and forget to wear the veil that covers your deformity. And children see you and start to cry and say, "What is wrong with that woman over there, Mommy? She's scary." After which time the mother will shout at you, "You're scaring my child, your horrible eyelash-less freak!" So, you drive back to your tiny, empty, lonely apartment to weep your bald eyes out.

Once you've frightened too many small children, you have to register as an eyelash offender and end up in the permanent eyelash violation registry. People drive by your house at night and set fire to enormous mascara wands in your front yard. The neighborhood children refer to you as "Old Bald Eyes."

So, you pick up and move to an isolated mountain cabin and begin a whole new life away from eyelashed society. At first it's fun. No one ever makes fun of you again. But then you realize that no one ever visits you. No one ever calls. You spend your holidays alone, unwrapping pine cones you wrapped for yourself and trying to act surprised, even though it's the same thing you got last year.

Years turn into decades. Eventually, you die, and your lifeless carcass is torn apart by scavengers. Bears, coyotes, wolves, various birds, and insects dine on your innards, with only the slightest disgust at the fact you have no eyelashes.

All because you didn't use Latisse.

So, think about it, you bald-eyed freakfest.


AmazonRedhead said...

I'll never look at those ridiculous commercials the same way again!

Thank you, Madam Mayor!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@AmRed: Why, you're welcome. Anything to inform the public.

wilsonbilson said...

"...Set fire to enormous mascara wands..."!!
I watched that commercial and thought "Really? Is this necessary?" Who is this insecure about their eyelashes?
Maybe that woman I always see on the N train who curls her eyelashes with the back of a spoon.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@WB: No one. It's something that the media invented to make people even more insecure than they already are. It's the new cankles.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

"the love child of Gloria Swanson" Bahhahahahaha!!!!!! Now thats funny.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious read!