Friday, September 25, 2009

"Don't Tread on Me," Says Local Banana Peel

Hey! You up there wearing the size 12 loafers! Don't tread on me!

No, I'm serious, dude. You might want to walk around. Someone finished with me and just kind of threw me here like a big, littering jerk, and now I'm actually kind of a safety hazard.

I don't know if you know this, but we banana peels have kind of a reputation for causing accidents. Some joker in the 15th century dropped one of us at the top of a staircase, and a countess fell to her death in an extremely comical manner. So, now we're outcasts, just garbage that gets hauled to the curb every Tuesday. It's actually pretty unfair.

Bananas themselves get known for being high in potassium and delicious with strawberries. But we, the brave sheaths who protect them until they are safely squashed into baby food, have been reduced to comedic props. Like a group of noble knights going down like so many dominoes for some cheap laughs for the king.

And look at orange peel. It gets grated into things for extra orange flavor. Same with lemon peel. Me? I get tossed in with the coffee grounds and the meat scraps and turned into compost. No one ever adds a few tablespoons of grated banana peel to things. It's fruitist, I tell you.

But that's another discussion altogether. All I was saying is that you should watch where you're going. For your safety and for mine. I'm just a lowly banana peel, sitting here waiting for the man to haul me off to the landfill. And you're a busy corporate type, probably on your way to some meeting where the VP of Smugness will get fired and some other corporate tool will be promoted to take his place for less money. Somebody will spill a coffee, and it will get all over that pretty $600 suit jacket. Then, you'll take it off and have your secretary send it off to the cleaners. You'll go on enjoying your day, with no regard whatsoever for that suit jacket. Or this banana peel you could have slipped on this morning. life sucks.


Joe Berkowitz said...

I love this. Jody Corbett recommended your blog to me and now I can't wait to peruse the archives! Check out my stuff if you get a moment: It's mostly pop culture detritus, but I have a bunch of monologues posted that are in a similar vein as yours. Keep up the great work (and admirable prolificness)!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Joe: Jody sent me yours too! She's so tricky, that girl. I adore your blog. I'll add it to the blogroll.

AmazonRedhead said...

This sounds like a case for the ABCLU: American Bananas' Civil Liberty Union.

wilsonbilson said...

They had Bananas in the 15th Century Europe?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@AmRed: He tried to write them a letter, but he doesn't have any fingers.

@WB: In order of importance if you're going to go all fact-checky on me.
1. HEY! This story is written by a banana peel! Banana peels can't talk!
2. HEY! There weren't bananas floating around in 15th century Europe!

Priorities, man! :)

wilsonbilson said...

You're right. You're always right.
Also, why don't we use banana zest? I've seen my niece chew on a banana peel with little consequence.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@WB: You say that with such bitterness.

And they make pickles out of watermelon rind.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

"Yes, we have no bananas
We have-a no bananas today."