Thursday, September 10, 2009
Being 30 Is Not All That Bad
Despite what they tell you about turning 30, it's not as bad as you might think. I turned 30 three weeks ago, and while I am still in slight pain from being branded with my over-30 mark, things are slowly looking up. But for those of you who are still in your 20s, I think it's important that I tell you what to expect, so you won't be as surprised as I was.
On the day you turn 30, they come to your house in dark robes and sensible pumps and take away all your mini-skirts. Then, they issue you the standard black pantsuit you will be wearing for the rest of your life. Don't worry! You can still wear different colors of shoes, as long as they are either slate gray or pearl gray. Accessories are allowed, as long as necklaces do not draw attention to your no-longer-appropriate bosom. Ornate brooches are encouraged, but rings may only be worn if you are married or engaged to be married.
Lipstick colors of beige and taupe are issued, along with brown mascara, blusher, and your very own bottle of Oil of Olay. Don't be afraid to moisturize! Otherwise your skin will fall off!
You are welcome to go out on the night of your birthday for one last celebration of your twenties. But the next day, you are expected to be home by 7 PM at the lastest in order to feed your cats and eat pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in your pajamas before settling in to watch reruns of Law and Order.
Now the one thing that makes being 30 difficult is the change to your diet. Special K and skim milk twice a day gets old rather quickly. And that Lean Cuisine that you have to eat every night for dinner stops being appetizing after the first few weeks.
Your sense of humor also changes. Before you turn thirty, it's all about fart jokes and Kate Hudson movies. After 30, it's all LOLcats all the time.
But once you make a place in your heart for your new troll doll collection and come to terms with the fact that you will never have sex again, being 30 is a-okay.