Friday, September 11, 2009
America's Sweetheart Actually Kind of an Asshole
She tap-danced her way into our hearts in the most adorable stage production of Annie ever. She skipped her way up the red carpet to collect her Tony award in the most precious pink frock and tiara. She hopscotched her way into prime time as the host of the Sweet Adorable Precious Babydoll Show on NBC. And little girls everywhere dress up as her every Halloween and buy backpacks, T-shirts, and commemorative plates adorned with her face. Dimple-cheeked and blue-eyed adorable sprite Addysyn Price, 9, is truly "America's Sweetheart."
So, why is she such a little asshole?
Her parents and various people in her employ are baffled.
"I feed her cotton candy at every meal," said Addysyn's mother, who wanted to remain anonymous, but whose name is Barbara. "She should be as sweet as sugar and smell like gummy bears and fresh laundry, but instead, she is like a sour little pickle swimming in brine made of human tears."
"I used to bounce her up and down on my knee!" said her father, Frank, who has not seen his wife naked in almost four years. "Nowadays, she sticks her tongue out at me and runs away to the child-sized manor house I had built for her on our estate. I want to know what happened to my precious baby girl!"
Addysyn Price got her start modeling diapers at the age of 2. By 7, she was worth over $800,000,000,000,000 (and we're totally rounding down here). She and her twin sister Maddysyn built an empire together, selling items with their images on them and adorable dolls that said cute things like, "Look at me!" "Take my picture!" and "I'm so much prettier than you, it's not even funny!"
But Maddysyn's mysterious disappearance in 2006 left the entire fortune and burden of celebrity to Addysyn.
"The other one just disappeared one day," said Barbara Price, who has decided to go by her real name after all. "We looked for her in at least the east wing of the house before we decided she must have just run away to join the circus or something."
"For all we know, Maddysyn might just be living in a different part of the house from us, under the care of some nanny-type person," said Frank Price, who refused to put on pants to be interviewed.
Child psychologist to the stars Dr. Peter Woodwood thinks that Addysyn's asshole behavior might have something to do with the fact she hasn't won an Oscar yet.
"All child stars strive for that goal of being the youngest Oscar winner," said Woodwood. "I have advised Addysyn to win an Oscar as soon as she can by getting that part in The Cabaret of Anne Frank. It's a musical! It's a holocaust story! It's coming out in late 2010!" Dr. Woodwood is also Addysyn's publicist.
"Until Addysyn can receive her Oscar, people will just have to put up with her behavior, I suppose," said Barbara, putting salve on her hand where Addysyn bit her before running out to set the house on fire.
"We love our little girl in spite of everything," said Frank. "And the other one, wherever she is."
**The included photo is not actually Addysyn Price, but an artist's rendering. Our photographers found her too scary to photograph.