Monday, August 31, 2009

Bovine China Shop Patron Takes Offense at Your Implications

Archie, 3, a 2,300 pound Brahman bull, enjoys the finer things in life, particularly collecting ceramic tea cups. Therefore, he does not appreciate the dirty looks he receives from people like you who think he is only at the china shop to shatter things.

Yes, there was a time, back when Archie was just a calf, that he would wander aimlessly into curio establishments, knock everything over, and then leave. But now that he is older and wiser, he realizes that he really must be more careful. Archie hasn't toppled anything in months.

He just wishes that the judgmental behavior would stop. Just because he has cloven hooves and no opposable thumbs doesn't mean that he should be any less welcome. I mean, they allow screaming babies in strollers larger than most people's cars into places like that. Why not a 2,300 pound teacup enthusiast?

Is it because his gigantic genitals are on display? It isn't his fault that he's naked. What is he going to do? Put on bull-sized pants?

Is it because Archie sometimes can't control his bowels? He eats nothing but alfalfa all day. What do you think is going to happen?

Why can't people just understand that, to someone whose sole purpose in life is to impregnate every flabby old cow within a fifteen mile radius, ceramics are a way for him to get away from it all? If he could just do his shopping free of stares, pointing fingers, and discussion of which bits of him might taste the best, Archie would be a lot happier in his chosen hobby. But sometimes, he just wants to give up and join a book club.


Jen said...

Archie might be happier doing his shopping on ebay or etsy. Though he might find it hard to type with hooves.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

He doesn't have internet access. He's a bull, Jen.

lalaland13 said...

Archie is also doomed to forever vacillate between Betty and Veronica. Heifers, both of 'em.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

lalaland13: Lucky for Archie, being a bull allows him to have both of them.

Anonymous said...

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And you et an account on Twitter?