Monday, August 31, 2009

Bovine China Shop Patron Takes Offense at Your Implications

Archie, 3, a 2,300 pound Brahman bull, enjoys the finer things in life, particularly collecting ceramic tea cups. Therefore, he does not appreciate the dirty looks he receives from people like you who think he is only at the china shop to shatter things.

Yes, there was a time, back when Archie was just a calf, that he would wander aimlessly into curio establishments, knock everything over, and then leave. But now that he is older and wiser, he realizes that he really must be more careful. Archie hasn't toppled anything in months.

He just wishes that the judgmental behavior would stop. Just because he has cloven hooves and no opposable thumbs doesn't mean that he should be any less welcome. I mean, they allow screaming babies in strollers larger than most people's cars into places like that. Why not a 2,300 pound teacup enthusiast?

Is it because his gigantic genitals are on display? It isn't his fault that he's naked. What is he going to do? Put on bull-sized pants?

Is it because Archie sometimes can't control his bowels? He eats nothing but alfalfa all day. What do you think is going to happen?

Why can't people just understand that, to someone whose sole purpose in life is to impregnate every flabby old cow within a fifteen mile radius, ceramics are a way for him to get away from it all? If he could just do his shopping free of stares, pointing fingers, and discussion of which bits of him might taste the best, Archie would be a lot happier in his chosen hobby. But sometimes, he just wants to give up and join a book club.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Celebrity Fashion Don'ts

I love fashion as much as the next person who sometimes wears the same outfit twice in one week. But celebrity fashion sometimes borders on silly. Therefore, I'm going to spend this post calling celebrities out on their hilarious fashion choices. Enjoy!

Dear Natalie Portman,

While I loved you in that Star Wars thingy, it is never advised to go outside wearing the hair of Carrot Top.

Your friend,
The Fashion Editor of Bethville

Anne Hathaway, I don't care what the trend is. Your eyebrows look like they were groomed by Tim Burton.

Oh, very funny, Mary-Kate Olsen. I hope you're shoes are tastefully oversized and squeaky.

Beyonce, that pasty is made from an endangered sea turtle! Fashion fail!

Here is Cameron Diaz sporting, not only a mustache, but the mustache of Joseph Stalin. Keep it classy, Cam-cam!

Scarlett Johansson sporting the wagon from Oregon Trail as sunglasses. I hope she purchased enough wagon tongues in Fort Apache to make it all the way to Oregon wearing those things.

Oh, Posh. Really? A rabid dog instead of a brassiere? That just seems dangerous. I hope you've had your shots.

America Ferrara, never use Richard Dreyfuss as lipgloss. That's good advice.

Rihanna? Is that poorly Photoshopped upside down cow boobs you're wearing as a hat?

Criticism on male celebrity fashion choices coming soon.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Cooking on a Budget: Easy and Cheap Recipes You Can Make at Home!

Keeping an eye on your budget? Try making these simple recipes at home. All under $5 a serving.

1. This is a terrific recipe that was passed down by my mother and her mother before her. It's simple and delicious! Not to mention budget friendly.


1 c. cereal
1/2 c. milk

Pour milk over cereal. Eat cereal with a spoon.

A lot of people might enjoy Corn Flakes or Raisin Bran. But the real foodie in you might enjoy exploring other varieties like Honey Bunches of Oats or even Grape Nuts. Add sliced strawberries or bananas for a fruity twist!

2. This traditional recipe takes the yeasty fresh taste of bread and combines it with the salty flavor of butter. It's a definite favorite at my place! It's kid friendly, and adults love it too.


1 slice bread
1 tbsp. butter

Put slice of bread into toaster and push down the handle. When the toast pops up, put it on a plate and spread it with butter. Enjoy! Hint: You can do with with English muffins too. Or even bagels!

3. The combination of crisp crackers with the light saltiness of cheese has been around since the Roman emperor Augustus tried it back in 26 BC. It is said that Shakespeare himself dined on this delicacy. Thanks to modern refrigeration, now you can try it at home!

Cheese and crackers

1 box crackers
1 block of cheddar cheese

Slice cheese into thin bites. Put them on top of the crackers. Eat! Enjoy! For a clever twist on this snack, stack another cracker on top for a bite-sized sandwich!

4. Like eating international cuisine but afraid to make it at home? This simple dish with spicy salsa and crunchy tortilla chips is fast and fun to make! Viva la Mexico!

Chips and salsa

1 bag tortilla chips
1 jar salsa

Pour salsa into a bowl. Scoop up and eat with chips. Simple and delicious!

5. Ready for a bigger challenge? Hungering for something a little sweeter? Try this recipe on for size. The goodness of legumes with the slightly squashed flavor of flattened grapes. Yum!

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

2 slices bread
2 tbsp. peanut butter
1 tbsp. jelly

Spread peanut butter on one slice of bread. Spread jelly on the other. Put slices of bread together (make sure the peanut butter and jelly are facing!) If you're feeling really clever, you can cut into halves and enjoy it a piece at a time.

6. Eh, what's up, Doc? Vitamin A, that's what! Crunchy and wholesome, carrots have been eaten by rabbits and people alike for centuries.

Carrot sticks

1 carrot

Cut carrot into long, thin strips. Put into mouth. Chew. Swallow.

See future posts for more money-saving tips and recipes!