Saturday, July 11, 2009

Saying Goodbye to Andrew Jackson

It has been 24 hours since we began reporting on the ongoing death of 7th president Andrew Jackson. As we continue to say goodbye to the man who was known as "Old Hickory," fans and critics alike all agree that this topic is getting tiresome.

"My god, he's been dead for 164 years," said the reporter who is currently writing this. "And his actions led to the deaths of at least 15 Native Americans. Therefore, I don't know we are covering him still being dead so heavily."

"I think he was awesome," said current president Barack Obama, whose words have been taken out of context.

"I agree," said the Battle of New Orleans.

"What am I, chopped liver?" asked more recently-deceased president Gerald Ford.

"No, I am," said foie gras.

"No, you're not," said Wikipedia.

"You're lying," said Encyclopedia Britannica.

"How did you know?" said Richard Nixon.

"Where am I?" asked Ronald Reagan.

"I'll find you," said Jimmy Hoffa.

"Hey, where's Waldo?" asked a bestselling book in 1987.

"I'm over here," said Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"Well, I feel enlightened," said Transcendentalism.

Representatives of Andrew Jackson have thus far remained mum on the continued deceased state of the former president. A memorial service was planned 164 years ago, and Jackson's body was laid to rest where it remains to this day, next to his wife Rachel at their home near Nashville.


abigail smith, colonial williamsburg said...

i think it's important that we keep the continuing death of jackson in the news, because he was one of us, a democrat through and through--even if people say he did everything he could to look like a republican. the media and tabloids are always exhorting us to "think about the Indians, the poor Indians!" but no jury ever convicted jackson of killing a single native american. and in the end, where's the proof? all we have is some "supposed" evidence of skirmishes outside of pensacola. i'd like to point out that those native americans didn't even speak english. we do. and we know the truth. the republicans will do anything to tarnish a democrat who dares to shine!

angiesyounglover said...


oh wait. in the wake of long coverage of his death, his kids, too, have died. whoops.

Osceola said...

Abigail Smith, you ignorant slut.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: How interesting that you should mention the children. I shall be reporting on them soon.

BethanyBez said...

I'm glad I finally had a chance to get up-to-date here. And it's nice to see that Jackson's resting place continues to receive aluminum balloons.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bethany: Actually, that particular balloon has been there since 1845.