Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Choose Your Own Contingency Plan

You wake up. You get ready to go to work. It's nice outside, but there are some clouds in the distance.

If you take your umbrella, scroll to section 1A.
If you don't take your umbrella, scroll to section 1B.

It starts to rain. Luckily, you have your umbrella. Oh, happy day! Later the sun comes out, and someone gives you a dozen roses and all the candy you could ever eat. And you get a ride home on the back of an obliging unicorn.

It starts to rain. You are soaked, and everyone can see through your white pants that you are wearing Smurf underwear. You arrive at the office, and when you get into the elevator, a douchebag from the sales department points out your underwear problem and then asks if Azrael would like to meet Gargamel.

If you break his legs with a tire iron, go to section 2A.
If you break his legs with a croquet mallet, go to section 2B.
If you immediately ask for his hand in marriage, go to section 2C.

"Ow!" says the guy, as you break his legs with a tire iron. "My legs. I think you broke them. Please call 911 and get an ambulance."

If you call an ambulance, go to section 3A.
If you take a picture of him writhing in pain and post it on Facebook for everyone to ridicule, go to section 3B.

"Ow!" says the guy, as you break his legs with a croquet mallet. "Not only are my legs broken, but I am also reminded of many happy summers of playing croquet with my dead grandfather, and it is making my heart break in a very painful manner."

If you stop to wonder how his dead grandfather managed to play croquet, go to section 4A.
If you realize you're late, step over the guy you just assaulted, and head to your desk, go to section 4B.

"Will you marry me?" you ask the man. "YES!" he cries in ecstasy. "How did you know that I've loved you all along?" Everyone in the world throws up.

If you decide to buy him a plain gold band for your engagement, go to section 5A.
If you decide to buy him a 5-carat diamond ring for your engagement, go to section 5B.

The ambulance arrives and carts Smurfy McJerkington off to the hospital. You head to your desk for a fun-filled day of filing and paperwork. Later, you are arrested for assault and imprisoned, but you are eventually paroled for good behavior and leave prison with a more positive attitude toward life. And you never leave home without your umbrella again.

Facebook hilarity ensues, and you start a blog where you beat assholes with tire irons, take pictures, and then post their photos accompanied by witty captions. Fewer women are sexually harassed in the workplace, and you start to think you're totally awesome. Unfortunately, someone else starts a blog about mowing down pedestrians at random, and you are his third official post.

He used his dead grandfather as a croquet mallet.

You arrive at your desk to find the cops waiting for you. Because not only did you just assault a guy with a croquet mallet, you are wanted for theft of several reams of copy paper and ball point pens. "You'll never take me alive, coppers!" you cry and leap from an open tenth story window and parachute to freedom.

If you escape to Mexico, go to section 6A.
If you escape to Canada, go to section 6B.

"Mwahahahahahaha!" says your new husband, as he claims Sauron's ring for his own and becomes ruler of all of Middle-Earth.

"Only five carats?" cries your fiance in outrage and throws himself down onto the sofa to sulk. Later, you cook dinner, and he cries because you put onions in it. What a jerk.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" you scream as your car plunges into the Rio Grande. That was actually your map to Canada turned upside down.

You arrive in Canada and are welcomed by the very understanding Canadian people. In the future, be more respectful of the laws. And don't leave your umbrella at home.


Bethany II said...

Sincere LOL at the dead grandfather croquet mallet.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bethany II: I couldn't resist.

Anonymous said...

Dammit, I never even got close to Canada!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bubblegumculture: You proposed, didn't you? It's okay. You can admit it. :)

lalaland13 said...

After reading this, I'd like to propose to you. Brilliant. Way better than the ones they had when I was in junior high. I think those involved volcanoes and zombies or something. I also saw some newer "What would you do if everyone wanted you?" books or some such, but based on a flip-through, nothing fun actually happened. For instance, no one died or got knocked up.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@lalaland13: I just wanted to write something that involved unicorns AND the whole world vomiting in unison.

Anonymous said...

i stopped because after reading that i was wanted for the theft of copy paper and ball point pens it all seemed to real. i went shopping for college in the supply cabinent at my mother's work when i worked there over the summer. shopping as in, didn't pay for anything. shopping as in, pens, pencils, scissors, tacts, stapler, tape dispenser, extra tape rolls, and so on.

i also stole mints from the marketing director's supply closet.

but i don't steal anymore.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ahotchildinthecity: I'm still going through post-its and pens from my last job. It's been like three years or something. There's no shame in it.