Wednesday, April 22, 2009

This Is What Happens When You Neglect Your Blog

People like loyal Bethville reader Peach send you smart-assed letters to the editor. Duly noted, Peach.

Bethville Gazette & Daily TP Substitute

We bring you only the quiltiest news!

***OP-ED/Letters to the Editor***

Dear Gazette & Substitute:

Today marks the thirty-third day that our beloved Mayor has remained in her comatose state at the Bethville Hospital and Food Emporium. I do not write to rehash the sordid speculations that have held your front page headlines captive for the past month. Whether the Mayor did indeed slip upon a skateboard placed craftily outside the Town Hall doors by Benville saboteurs or whether, after being spooked by a Channel 7 news van with darkened windows, she ran headlong into the Town Hall sculpture of Wolverine’s adamantium claws screaming, “Stranger Danger! Stranger Dan…!,” we can all surely agree on one thing: Bethville has gotten along swimmingly in the absence of the Mayor’s guiding hand!

I applaud my fellow townspeople for rallying together to ensure that daily life and governmental business in our little hamlet has continued uninterrupted. I congratulate Wally Bangdenwafer, the second undersecretary to the Mayor, for taking charge of the annual performance of “Going Down on My Dog Skip” at the Viceroy Theatrer. The show was a spectacular success in view of the comatose state of the original director. Not a single line was flubbed! And the main character, Mr. Bangdenwafer himself, substituting for the Mayor, was only locked in his dressing room for 15 minutes of the second act. Once he read the “PUSH” sign on the door correctly, he rejoined the rest of the cast on stage, where he discovered the audience enraptured by the lead actress. She had cleverly ad-libbed a vivid death scene by rigging the scenery props to collapse upon herself—an entirely unforgettable performance!

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I also congratulate Charlene Harrisburgson, the head of the Bethville Sanitation Department. Although the comatose Mayor has not been available to make her weekly collection rounds, our standard of living has not suffered one bit! Ms. Harrisburgson cleverly purchased an automatic street cleaning system from GhettoBab917 on for mere pennies. In fact, instead of waiting for the Mayor’s personal bubblegum pink garbage truck to come by once a week, our new state-of-the-art Norwegian Rat system has agents that work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!

These examples are only a small portion of the heroics performed by determined Bethvillernites—your neighbors! Whether or not our mayor returns to us, I have complete faith in the future of… Oh dear, I must go now. There is a street cleaner trying to eat my toddler. They’re just so thorough!

Llyod S. Fishersbottom
The Bethville Parks and Jell-o Fountains Commisioner

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