Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My Advice in These Financially Difficult Times

In these financially difficult times, I feel that it's very important for women especially to begin to plan for the future. You may be financially secure at the moment. You may be unemployed and reading this as you update your resume. You may be spending your nights in a bed of shredded paper. I don't know your life. But I do know that it's always wise to plan ahead. Which is why I am encouraging other women to do as I have and become black widow murderers.

Black widow murderers marry wealthy men, live the sweet life for a few months, and then slaughter their husbands and abscond with everything in their bank accounts. Since taking up black widow murdering, I have a whole new lease on life. I get up earlier in the day, go to a refreshing aerobics class, and then head home to begin my plotting.

Now, the plotting part is pretty easy. You start out looking for a wealthy prospective husband. I like to go to the golf course in the middle of the day, wearing only my thong underwear and a stick of butter. A wealthy golfer approaches me, invites me back to his mansion to bathe in diamonds, and then the next day he asks for my hand in marriage because I am so awesome. I, of course, accept and a week later, we are married in a lavish ceremony where I receive many wonderful presents from the gift registry, including a pony, jewel encrusted nipple clamps, and a very large and very sharp Macedonian beheading device.

This is where it gets a little bit more complicated. Your husband is going to want certain things from you. Things like dinner, folded socks, and to play doctor on occasion. During this time, it is advisable to reveal that you are narcoleptic and unable to perform simple tasks without falling asleep. He will then likely purchase you a very comfortable pillow and hire a dashing but mysterious butler who enjoys folding socks to take care of the household chores. It's important that the butler be mysterious because you will later blame him for your husband's unfortunate death.

The most important tool while you are plotting is your plotting notebook. Write down everything. The last thing you want to do is mix up your last husband's bank account numbers with those of the current husband! What a mess! You might be tempted to create a spreadsheet, but I cannot stress enough just how bad that idea is. Keep your plotting simple and contained in a single notebook. You'll thank me later when you're burning the only piece of evidence they could use against you in court.

So, you've got the wealthy husband, you've got the mysterious butler, and the plotting notebook is coming along nicely. What now?

Well, now, ladies, it is time to buy a life insurance policy on your husband and encourage him to take up base jumping. Have the butler feed him lots of bacon sandwiches with mayonnaise every day. It's very important to remember that death by natural causes can be your friend.

But let's say you've been living with your husband for about 6 months. He hang glides every Saturday afternoon, tames lions, and handles pit vipers with his bare hands at your encouragement to try new things. And nothing. He doesn't die. Well, now is when the black widow murdering part comes in.

A lot of black widow murderers go straight for the poison. It's simple, it's deadly, it's hidden easily in a bowl of rice pudding. But it's just too easy. And if you don't use enough, they'll pump his stomach and you have to start all over again. The doctors start asking questions, and you end up having to flee to Mexico earlier than planned.

Personally, I like to get creative each time I slaughter my wealthy husband. Death by spork is a good one. I also like piranha that I just "happen to be storing in the hot tub." There's so little clean-up with that one. But my favorite has to be actually using a black widow spider to do your bidding. They're in and out before you can run to the neighbors' house and cry, "My wealthy husband is dead! Oh, woe is me!" And the irony! Oh, the irony!

So, now your husband is dead and you are a grieving widow. Well, you have two options at this point. You can pretend to be really sad, or you can immediately flee to a tropical island, taking all of his wealth with you. If you are a passable actress, the first option can be quite fun. Uncontrollable weeping and hurling yourself onto your dead husband's casket are always good for extra sympathy from lonely but handsome gravediggers. And let's not forget the fun fashion accessories, like oversized hats with black veils. Don't be afraid to go crazy with your funeral attire. I mean, how many times in life do you get to wear black for your dead husband? (Oh, I do make myself laugh sometimes.)

If you decide to take the second option and simply cut and run, don't be afraid to leave your individualized calling card. I like to leave a dead goldfish under the doormat and then escape dressed as Catwoman. It baffles the cops every time.

So, that's my advice. Become a black widow murderer. Take money from wealthy middle-aged men. Escape to tropical islands. Lay low for a few years, change your hair color, and then find love again. It's all very simple. And financially-sound advice. Happy murdering!


p.j. said...

Perhaps it is because I read too many Agatha Christie novels as a kid, but I think you may be on to something here.

Also, I think now is a good time to invest in arsenic, which should see its stock rise as this phenomenon catches on.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@p.j.: Which makes me think of:


Although they use strychnine and just a pinch of cyanide as well. :)

Jen said...

@Mayor: I finally watched that movie the other week. I have a lot of classics to catch up on.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...


jody! said...

can we start a support group for this? i really think i'd need one.

i bet bethville has an abandoned church somewhere in town that we can meet at.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jody!: There are no churches in Bethville. We worship Nothar the God of Peanut Butter outdoors.