Sunday, February 22, 2009

My Oscar Acceptance Speech: From the Archives

Oh! Oh, wow. This is all just too much! No, please sit down, Sean Penn. A standing ovation is not necessary. First, I would like to thank the Academy. This is such an honor. I’m just a humble farm girl from Kansas who took a wrong turn on the way to the bathroom and ended up walking right into the middle of an audition for “Kill or Be Killed” starring Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks. After the security guards frisked me several times, I was allowed to audition for a small role. My audition, if I do say so myself, was impeccable. I was given the starring role instead, and Meryl Streep was given the role of my chambermaid. She was a good sport about it. (Weren’t you, Meryl? Weren’t you? That’s a good Meryl Streep.) I was immediately whisked away to the wilds of Canada to begin shooting the film. I was given my own trailer and an unlimited supply of Dexatrim, because when you become a movie star unexpectedly, you have to start watching your figure. It was like living in a dream. Eight months later, I returned to the states. I attended the movie premiere on the arm of Jude Law and had my first movie star cat fight later that night with Sienna Miller, who happened to be hiding in the bushes with a broken vodka bottle. When the Academy Award nominations were announced, I thought surely I wouldn’t win. Look who I’m up against! Susan Sarandon...Annette Bening...Kathy Bates...Judi Dench. Hey, she just gave me the finger. But now that I have won, I know that I deserve it. So, thank you to everyone who believed in me. Mom, Dad, What’s-her-name, that guy who waxes my car, Steven Spielberg, those producer guys, my boyfriend Adrien Brody, and my plastic surgeon for these fabulous Hollywood lips. Keep living the dream, and someday you can be up here, too! Thank you.

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