Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Or Did I?

I don't usually get political over here in Bethville, but I feel I simply must today. Because there is a huge issue of great importance I have to address.

I went to the polls yesterday morning. I voted. And I didn't get a sticker that said "I VOTED" to proudly wear around for the rest of the day. I was stunned. I was offended. My feelings were very, very hurt. My bodily humors were thrown out of balance. The seas boiled. Frogs fell from the sky as rain. And I wept openly there on the steps of the elementary school where I had cast my ballot because that is just so mean. I really wanted a sticker.

As an American, I am entitled to certain rights.
1. The right to make everyone in my neighborhood listen to me when I read poetry aloud at night through my bullhorn.
2. The right to carry a gun around and point it at people who anger me.
3. The right to sit around and watch TV with no pants on.
4. The right to take money out of my wallet and spend it on things I don't need, like blood diamonds and cocaine.
5. The right to keep a long list of people who have wronged me and slowly mark them off as they meet their demise.
6. The right to use my lead-powered rocket pack to fly to the ozone layer and poke holes through it with a stick.
7. The right to marry a dragon.
8. The right to walk on water, even in national parks like Yellowstone and Yosemite.

And others that I am far too tired to mention.

Why, America, am I not entitled to a sticker that says simply "I VOTED"? What's the good of living in America if I don't get to celebrate my Americanness by putting a slip of paper with an adhesive backing on the front of my sweater where everyone can see it? How else will they know I went to the polls? I would have to literally stop everyone I pass on the streets and tell them. And that is so inconvenient.

America, things have got to change. We need "I VOTED" stickers for all Americans. And while you're at it, throw in some legalized marriage for my gay friends. Alrighty? Thanks.


Jen said...

I bet you can buy those "I Voted" stickers in bulk. Maybe next time I'll buy some and sit outside my polling station and brighten some people's day.

lalaland13 said...

Tsk tsk, you and your sticker socialism. So if I have 10 I voted stickers and you have none because you are lazy, I am supposed to share mine? I expect a lot more of this redistribution of sticker wealth now that Obama is president, young lady!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jen: I would pay a whole dime for one of those. You could make a small fortune.

@lalaland13: You are so mean! And don't even get me started on that mean, mean law your state just passed. MEAN!

Just kidding. I know you are the one person who voted against it. :)

Greta said...

A woman here in Lawrence got yours. She asked for FIVE STICKERS. and she got them.

Jen said...

@Mayor: I hadn't even thought of charging for them. I'm all socialist like that.

Jenn said...

I know! Considering some states actually give people receipts and stickers I was thinking "where the hell is this happening? Communist town?!?" And you know what the really lame part is, lots of places in NYC (i.e. Ben & Jerry's, Starbucks, and most importantly Babeland!) were giving out free goodies to people who proved they voted. And I don't think my solemn promise was gonna get me some goodies at Babeland or a bar lemme tell you. I hope Obama passes a Bill about this lack of voter representation sticker wise. That's item #2 Mr. President!

angiesyounglover said...

jen and bethany, i feel you! how am i supposed to get my free vibrator at babeland if i don't have proof! plus, i wanted it for sentimental purposes as it was my first time voting. thanks, ny. you're amazing.

wait, we can marry dragons??

sigourneyfever said...

I was VERY excited about my sticker. The only thing that would have made it better is if it were scratch-and-sniff.

Also, in Rory Gilmore fashion, I transferred my sticker from one sweater to another, and almost resorted to tape to keep it from falling apart. Because Democracy is great, but Democracy Plus Stickers is that much greater.

Jen said...

From the Babeland blog: "Stop by any brick and mortar store (New York or Seattle) between November 4th and 11th and bring your voter registration card, voting stub or word of honor."

Even without stickers, you guys are good to go.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jenn: RIGHT? I'm embarrassed to go to these places and get my free gifts if I don't even have some tiny form of proof. Mean!

@ayl: I imagine the free vibrator will just be one of those egg ones with the corded remote thingy. Or the keychain vibe. I...ahem...have one of those already. I use it to give my cat back massages. No, really. She loves it. I imagine if you could find a dragon, no one would mind if you married it. :)

@greta: DRAT those Kansans!

@sigourney: But what would it smell like? Liberty?

@jen: Since I have all of their free giveaway stuff already, (What? I was at a bachelorette party) I wonder if I could just get a discount on some porn. For a friend...

Nefarious Newt said...

Sad to say that our polling places here did not give out stickers. I was seriously bummed -- how to prove to Ben & Jerry's that I had actually voted?

Call it one of the great failures of modern elections -- lack of consistent stickery.

AmazonRedhead said...

Ahem, I believe you misstated something here. You can marry a dragon of the opposite sex. Same-sex dragon marriage is right OUT.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@amazonredhead: Ah, but that's where you're wrong. The city government of Bethville allows you to marry anyone, as long as he or she is a mythical creature.

sigourneyfever said...

@MayorBeth: I believe it would smell like truth, justice, and industrial adhesive.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@sigourney: So you're saying it WAS a scratch and sniff sticker then?

M said...

i located my sticker stuck on my seat belt hinge thingy last night. I am willing to sell it to one of you. I will start the bidding at one dragon.

Anonymous said...

I voted early and because of that, I got a really cool, really judgmental sticker that said "I voted early (and the early was written in red with a little insertion mark, as if the "I Voted" stickers were edited in red pen), DID YOU?"

King of New York Hacks said...

All the stickers here in New York were scratch and sniff and they all smelled like shit except for Obama'a....most people told me it smelled like Monica Lewinsky but what do I know ??

jody! said...

if you had gotten an I VOTED sticker... you could have traded it in for a free vibrator at babeland. seriously.

i mean not that i did. because i didn't get a sticker either. but bridget definitely did. and she fucking voted on colorado. then flew her for her free vibrator.

what the hell queens? what the hell?