Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Halloween is quickly approaching, and I am once again blowing the dust off last year's candy corn and putting it in a bowl for all of the people I hate.
"Gee whiz, Beth. I could sure use some candy to snack on," they will say when they stop by to borrow a cup of laundry detergent to wash their stupid socks.
And I will reply, "Oh, here is the most delicious candy on the planet! Eat this!" And they will eat several pieces of candy corn and fall down dead. Just as I planned.
Halloween is the time of year when I slowly and methodically feed terrible candy to everyone I dislike and hope that the terribleness of it kills them. The UPS man who refused to dig my packages out of the back of the truck because they were buried under too many other packages. The guy at the deli who claimed to be out of sesame bagels and then gave one to the bony-titted Whore-tron in line behind me. The lady at the gym who doesn't bother to close her shower curtain. People who breathe with their mouths open on the subway. All of them will taste my wrath this Halloween. And several Cherry Mashes.
"No, lady calling from Discover Card. As I mentioned when you called last time, I'm really not interested in signing up for the Discover Business Card. In order for that to be logical, I would first need a business. No, you calling for the fourth time today is not a problem at all. But before you go, have a butterscotch hard candy with my compliments."
"Oh, hello, racist guy who uses the N-word as freely and as often as Carrie Bradshaw walks around in her underwear. Here, have a Necco Wafer. But be careful. The chalkiness of those things can collect in your throat and may cause choking...if we're lucky."
Candy really is the best weapon ever devised. No one can say no to candy, especially around Halloween. And it can never be traced back to or blamed on me. Because what did I do? Offer you some candy? How kind of me! How charitable! Those wedding mints?! How unique that I give them away at Halloween, when there isn't even a wedding in sight!
So, this Halloween, if I offer you a piece of banana Laffy Taffy and then snicker behind my hand, just know that it's nothing personal. I'm just trying to kill you.