Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Trick-or-Treat Indeed


















Halloween is quickly approaching, and I am once again blowing the dust off last year's candy corn and putting it in a bowl for all of the people I hate.

"Gee whiz, Beth. I could sure use some candy to snack on," they will say when they stop by to borrow a cup of laundry detergent to wash their stupid socks.

And I will reply, "Oh, here is the most delicious candy on the planet! Eat this!" And they will eat several pieces of candy corn and fall down dead. Just as I planned.

Halloween is the time of year when I slowly and methodically feed terrible candy to everyone I dislike and hope that the terribleness of it kills them. The UPS man who refused to dig my packages out of the back of the truck because they were buried under too many other packages. The guy at the deli who claimed to be out of sesame bagels and then gave one to the bony-titted Whore-tron in line behind me. The lady at the gym who doesn't bother to close her shower curtain. People who breathe with their mouths open on the subway. All of them will taste my wrath this Halloween. And several Cherry Mashes.

"No, lady calling from Discover Card. As I mentioned when you called last time, I'm really not interested in signing up for the Discover Business Card. In order for that to be logical, I would first need a business. No, you calling for the fourth time today is not a problem at all. But before you go, have a butterscotch hard candy with my compliments."

"Oh, hello, racist guy who uses the N-word as freely and as often as Carrie Bradshaw walks around in her underwear. Here, have a Necco Wafer. But be careful. The chalkiness of those things can collect in your throat and may cause choking...if we're lucky."

Candy really is the best weapon ever devised. No one can say no to candy, especially around Halloween. And it can never be traced back to or blamed on me. Because what did I do? Offer you some candy? How kind of me! How charitable! Those wedding mints?! How unique that I give them away at Halloween, when there isn't even a wedding in sight!

So, this Halloween, if I offer you a piece of banana Laffy Taffy and then snicker behind my hand, just know that it's nothing personal. I'm just trying to kill you.

18 comments:

Scoregasm said...

But I LIKE candy corn and hard butterscotch candy.

Any banana flavored candy can seriously be used for toxic weaponry, though. You say banana-flavored, I say wet, mildewy chicken-flavored.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@scoregasm: To each their own candy of destruction. People have tried to destroy me in the past by forcing me to eat black licorice. And as my teeth grew blacker and blacker and my stomach became fuller of its evil, I laughed and laughed and laughed, for I knew that deep down I was enjoying it.

sigourneyfever said...

Candy corn, candy pumpkins, and black licorice are a trifecta of evil. They are a disgrace to the candy nation and are not allowed in my household.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@sigourneyfever: If I want to talk to my friend PB, all I have to do is write a post involving candy. It's like leaving cookies out for Santa.

bubblegumculture.com said...

Aw, you guys are killing me! I love candy corn, candy pumpkins and even Neco wafers. But banana candy? I have to draw the line somewhere.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bubblegumculture: You have just given me the means to destroy you.

fitforafemme said...

ZOMG, sigourneyfever. M is going to freak out when she sees you don't allow candy corn.

nadarine said...

but... but... no mallow pumpkins? For real? I love them!

I do feel vindicated by everyone else's hatred of banana-flavored candy, though. Anti-Bananas Unite!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@nadarine: I believe notaclever hates grape flavored candy. I may be incorrect in this.

damagenoted said...

Banana candy is VILE.

I had a friend who once actually asked for the banana Runts I was discarding.

HAD a friend.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@damagenoted: It is super fun to hold those in your mouth and wait for the yellow dye to stain your teeth. THEN, you can pretend that you have a grody yellow mouth and smile at people. WOO!

Someone told me that was fun anyway.

J.Gold said...

Banana candy is nasty, and not in a Janet Jackson way. I also got put off of grape candy by being tricked into taking grape flavored Dimetapp whenever I was sick as a child. It disgusts me like the smell of vomit now. I wonder if that's how it happened to notaclevername....

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@J.Gold: I'm that way when I smell Lysol. When I was a kid and had the flu, my mom would spray the trash cans with Lysol when one of us puked. So, when I puked again, all I could smell was Lysol. Gross.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

Good Blog, well worth repeating this Halloween. We agree on the Candy corn and black liquorice I see, hate em. How do you feel about these little nightmares...http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-photo-6630885-liquorice-candy-close-up.php

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@JPC: Actually I love black licorice. A lot. :)

But candy corn? Is awful.

Johnny P. Coaltrain said...

Trooper.

Allison said...

Candy corn is the most vile candy on the planet. And it looks like it should taste delightful. Kind of like a polar bear looks cute and cuddly until it rips your head off.
And only the most heartless people would give out hard butterscotch, peppermint or cinnamon candy to kids on halloween. How am I supposed to enjoy my kids candy when thats the crap people are giving them?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Allison: Or apples and raisins. NOOOO!

Oh, man. I totally want popcorn balls right now.