Tuesday, October 7, 2008

To the Honorable Mayor of Benville

Dearest Mayor of Benville,

I'm writing to apologize for missing your Fifth Annual Herpes Eradication Sausage Festival. You see, I spent almost the entire summer singlehandedly rebuilding the glorious hamlet of Bethville. I finished around the end of August after putting shingles on the roof of the Bethville Lollipop Emporium, but unfortunately, I was unable to get down from the roof until the end of September. You see, I nailed the leg of my Bethville rebuilding overalls to the roof the building while hammering in a shingle.

Luckily, the Erikaford Air Pollution Spy Helicopter Flyover was taking place just as I was drinking the last of the water from the rain gutter, and I was rescued.

I don't suppose I need to tell you how marvelous it is to be back in my own mayoral office after almost a year of living in a tent in several undisclosed locations. Especially with all of the fabulous changes I've made to Bethville during my rebuilding efforts.

First of all, I've built a carousel in the middle of Bethville Square to commemorate those who lost their lives during the Zombie Attack of 2007. Where some might expect carousel horses, I've instead installed former evil land developing scrapbook enthusiast Ludwig Von Butterick. He is under strict instruction to allow anyone who wants a ride on the carousel to climb onto his back. He will then walk around in a circle whinnying cheerfully while playing a jaunty carousel tune on the xylophone I've strapped to his chest.

Secondly, to commemorate those who lost their lives eating and gambling at the now-defunct Von Butterick Casino Hotel and Teriyaki Restaurant, I've installed a large fountain from which an unlimited supply of soy sauce flows. And next to that, since during the zombie attack, I discovered how delicious roast chinchilla is, there is now a Chinchilla-on-a-Stick Hut. Not to worry! All chinchillas are free range and cruelty free.

Thirdly, I've made some improvements to Bethville Town Hall that I hope you've already noticed from the enclosed photograph.

That said, do hope you will drop by the mayoral offices soon for a visit. I need to give you the 2008 Fall Theater Schedule. Since I am currently the only resident of Bethville, I'm afraid I am limited to simply performing the Vagina Monologues over and over again for my own amusement. The standing ovations and repeated curtain calls I am forced to give myself are really quite exhausting.


The Rather Hail-Damaged But Still Quite Dignified Mayor of Bethville

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