Monday, October 13, 2008

This Post Is Totally Disgusting

Have you heard? Soylent Green is made out of people. It's actually people. So if you are currently digging your spoon into a delicious luncheon or afternoon snack involving Soylent Green in some form, my best advice is to put down your eating utensil right away. Because, as I mentioned, Soylent Green is made out of people. It is, in fact, people.

And while we're on the subject, I would also avoid Bladder O's Breakfast Cereal. Not to be an alarmist, but they've discovered recently that the mini marshmallows in Bladder O's are made out of urine. It's totally urine. Back in the olden days, when the marshmallowed cereal market was dominated by the likes of Lucky Charms, people complained that the marshmallows were too crunchy and not very marshmallow like. So, the folks at Poopee Breakfast Foods, Inc. concocted a new formula from cheaper materials than sugar, corn syrup, and powdered cow hooves (or gelatin to the average person).

Marshmallows = urine

And don't even get me started on Toilet Toasties. Because it will only make you feel sicker than you did when I first told you about Soylent Green being made from people.

I sure hope you don't like Fro-Zen Brand Yogurt. If you do and are currently licking away at a delicious Fro-Zen treat, I would put it down before you read any further. Did you put it down? Good.

Fro-Zen Yogurt is made from hair.

And not just any hair. The hair collected from shower drains at gyms all across the country. Imagine that sweaty guy who works out on the treadmill next to you and how the perspiration accumulates in his back hair and sometimes splashes on you while you toil away on the Elliptical. Well, when he goes back to the locker room and takes a shower, all of that sweaty hair that detaches itself from the follicles on his sweaty back are eventually made into Fro-Zen Yogurt. They are melted down in hot motor oil and then mixed with some vanilla flavoring before being frozen in a large vat. So, next time you hear the sounds of the Fro-Zen Yogurt truck in your neighborhood, steer clear. It's made out of hair.

Well, I'd better get back to work. We have a lot of orders coming in, and these slugs won't skin themselves for the cupcakes. Remember what I said. Soylent Green: made out of people. So, be sure not to eat it.



Jen said...

Sometimes you frighten me. This is one of those times.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jen: You should be afraid. Soylent Green is made out of people.

One guess what movie I attempted to watch today.

angiesyounglover said...

it just brings all of humanity closer together!


The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: So what you're saying is that since Soylent Green is made out of people, if you eat some, you are getting closer, and actually ingesting, humanity?

laia. said...

i had to stop reading at fro-zen because im eating right now.


The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@laia: Don't say I didn't warn you.

laia. said...

the fact that it was split pea soup didn't help much either...