Monday, October 27, 2008

Sexy Halloween!

















Halloween is practically here, and I don't have my sexy costume put together yet. Which is unfortunate since any female over the age of 12 caught outside after dark on October 31 not wearing a sexy Halloween costume is executed. It was an unfortunate day when they passed that law.

I'm not planning on going out anywhere, but it's always good to have something ready just to be on the safe side. Last year, I was stuck on the subway for over an hour, watching the sun go down, wishing I had my emergency fishnets with me. Luckily, I can run really fast. The lady next to me wasn't so fortunate. The snipers got her. I watched from my window as the vans came and hauled away the bodies of the fallen. French maids wearing stilettos that didn't meet the 4-inch requirement. Sexy librarians wearing their actual prescription glasses instead of the fake kind. Women on crutches. All hauled away to the incinerator for the Sextapo mass cremation and hot dog roast.

Back when women could go out on Halloween wearing whatever they wanted, I refused to add the "sexy" to my costumes. I wore pants, sensible shoes, and a jacket. I dressed as Amelia Earhart, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Gloria Steinem. I refused to fellate a Blow Pop in an attempt to get free drinks. I absolutely would not participate in any sort of topless apple bobbing or lay on a bar and let someone eat a fun-sized Snickers bar from the crack of my ass. I would not swap my principles for a good time. But now...all of those things are required at gunpoint. If you bother to go out at all. At first, I tried to go along with it. But now I'm too afraid.

Two Halloweens ago, in a fit of protest, I dressed as Sexy Hillary Clinton and picketed with a few friends. We painted signs that said, "THE ONLY STILETTO I CARRY IS THE ONE IN MY BOOT." It was a bloodbath. Sexy Frida Kahlo took a bullet right between her eyebrow. Sexy Sandra Day O'Connor got her high heel caught in her justice robes and went down like a sack of stale popcorn balls. Which was when the attack dogs got her. I was the lone survivor of our Halloween protest. I took to the back alleys trying to pass myself off as a Sexy Deborah Norville, until I finally got back to my apartment.

The Sextapo got a little bit more strict after that. Now they send out the list of acceptable sexy costumes in August. Sexy Cop is no longer allowed, nor is Sexy First Lady. Soon, all we'll be allowed is either a sexy halo or a pair of sexy devil horns. Good or evil. Trick or treat.

15 comments:

laia. said...

before I read the post, i just have to say that Christina Aguilera should dress like a nun for halloween and then it would actually be a costume.

i mean, if it wasnt because i know she doesnt have a song about being a nurse, then i wouldnt have guessed she was in costume.

ok awesome
moving on to the readin

laia. said...

i am staying in on halloween with a bag of Hershey's funpack or whatever.

I WILL EAT ALL THE DARK CHOCOLATE ONES!
MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I will probably be at home on Halloween as well, carving my pumpkin, eating candy, and watching a scary movie. I just don't have the dressing up enthusiasm anymore.

Jen said...

Hee. I plan on being a rather unsexy pirate. Or maybe a sexy yet completely clothed pirate. And I shall drink and watch lots of Eddie Izzard, and all will be well.

M said...

i love this entry!

bubblegumculture.com said...

I once went to a Halloween party where a bunch of guys dressed as "sexy" characters from history and literature. So you had "Sexy Ben Franklin," "Sexy Heathcliff," etc. It was actually pretty funny.

I'm going to be Sarah Palin (like everyone and their sister) this year and my boy is going to be Maverick from Top Gun. We'll be getting all mavericky and stuff.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jen: I still might go with you. I am still undecided.

@M: THANKS!

@bubblegumculture: That's actually amazing. I would enjoy that party. As long as the men have to do it too.

MAVERICK!

Andrea said...

On another matter, have you seen the puking pumpkin yet? If not, you must Google.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@andrea: YES. I have seen that. Too hilarious.

Jenn said...

I will inadvertently be a "sexy" cheerleader because freakin' Ricky's doesn't sell any costumes for women that are non-sexy. Even the little girl princess costumes seem X-rated.

I would like to see more women dress up as female figures in history or Woody Allen characters because those ladies were sexy and demure, dammit!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jenn: I don't have to be slutty, as long as my costume allows for cleavage.

Jen said...

On this Halloween day I think that I shall adorn my Christmas tree....naked....just incase the sextapo have peeping spys. Hooray for two to three upcoming months of carols and a month full of good movies!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@Jen: I admire how you get a jump on the festivities.

Merideathx said...

I can't help it if my curves make ALL THE COSTUMES sexay!

Also, no one wants to march in the parade with me this year. Booooo!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@meredeathx: I'm sorry! I wish I could. I just have a bunch of stuff to do. October is way busy for me.