Monday, October 27, 2008
Halloween is practically here, and I don't have my sexy costume put together yet. Which is unfortunate since any female over the age of 12 caught outside after dark on October 31 not wearing a sexy Halloween costume is executed. It was an unfortunate day when they passed that law.
I'm not planning on going out anywhere, but it's always good to have something ready just to be on the safe side. Last year, I was stuck on the subway for over an hour, watching the sun go down, wishing I had my emergency fishnets with me. Luckily, I can run really fast. The lady next to me wasn't so fortunate. The snipers got her. I watched from my window as the vans came and hauled away the bodies of the fallen. French maids wearing stilettos that didn't meet the 4-inch requirement. Sexy librarians wearing their actual prescription glasses instead of the fake kind. Women on crutches. All hauled away to the incinerator for the Sextapo mass cremation and hot dog roast.
Back when women could go out on Halloween wearing whatever they wanted, I refused to add the "sexy" to my costumes. I wore pants, sensible shoes, and a jacket. I dressed as Amelia Earhart, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Gloria Steinem. I refused to fellate a Blow Pop in an attempt to get free drinks. I absolutely would not participate in any sort of topless apple bobbing or lay on a bar and let someone eat a fun-sized Snickers bar from the crack of my ass. I would not swap my principles for a good time. But now...all of those things are required at gunpoint. If you bother to go out at all. At first, I tried to go along with it. But now I'm too afraid.
Two Halloweens ago, in a fit of protest, I dressed as Sexy Hillary Clinton and picketed with a few friends. We painted signs that said, "THE ONLY STILETTO I CARRY IS THE ONE IN MY BOOT." It was a bloodbath. Sexy Frida Kahlo took a bullet right between her eyebrow. Sexy Sandra Day O'Connor got her high heel caught in her justice robes and went down like a sack of stale popcorn balls. Which was when the attack dogs got her. I was the lone survivor of our Halloween protest. I took to the back alleys trying to pass myself off as a Sexy Deborah Norville, until I finally got back to my apartment.
The Sextapo got a little bit more strict after that. Now they send out the list of acceptable sexy costumes in August. Sexy Cop is no longer allowed, nor is Sexy First Lady. Soon, all we'll be allowed is either a sexy halo or a pair of sexy devil horns. Good or evil. Trick or treat.