Friday, September 19, 2008

The Plight of the Dramatically Cold


















There's a strange phenomenon that strikes New York City every September.

Dramatically cold people.

You know the type. It drops down to a brisk 60 degrees overnight, and the next morning the dramatically cold people have on their fur-lined boots and wool sweaters. "Brrrrrr!" say the dramatically cold people when they step outside and feel the nip of 40% humidity in the air. "I think I'll get myself a hot chocolate."

"Thank god for my space heater," the dramatically cold people say when they sit down to their work computers, furiously rubbing their hands together. Later in the afternoon, they are always sure to pop a few vitamin-C tablets. The dramatically cold people can never be too careful several weeks in advance of cold and flu season.

To get to the heart of the dramatically cold phenomenon, I believe we need to travel back to the time of the dramatically cold cave people. While regular cavemen were out hunting for sustenance before the winter snows, the dramatically cold caveman huddled in his fur-lined grotto drinking herbal tea and watching the leaves turn color.

Later in history, the first dramatically cold explorers to the North Pole faced infinite hardship when the sled dogs were prematurely slaughtered just south of Greenland so that the warmth of their entrails could prevent frostbite on dramatically cold fingers.

During the Industrial Revolution, the dramatically cold people rejoiced in improved methods of coal mining. Before that time in history, a single dramatically cold person could fell an entire forest within the brief span of time from September to April in order to heat his or her home. Most deforestation, in fact, can be blamed on the dramatically cold.

In modern times, it's not desperation for warmth but tradition that drives the dramatically cold people to pull out the winter wear prematurely. The gloves, scarves, and parkas of their ancestors call to them from the backs of their closets. Undeterred by the strong stench of mothballs and the trickle of sweat on their brows, they unearth the ancestral garb and wrap themselves tightly in its comfort. And, with that, the dramatically cold breathe the first sigh of relief in months.

19 comments:

Jen said...

Ha. Are the dramatically cold people behind the stupid summer scarf trend? Or is that just the fault of hipsters? Or maybe it's the fault of dramatically cold hipsters. Hmm.

I love the slightly cooler weather. I leave my window open at night and snuggle under blankets. Yay almost fall!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Yes. That's exactly who's behind it. Hipsters and terrible actors named Nick.

London_Calling said...

I am so this person. The scarves are on and won't be taken off for months. I currently have three layers on, a jacket to wear outside, and a scarf.

Of course, I'm actually a subset of the Dramatically Cold People who will insist on wearing flip flops 'till my toes turn blue. I never said I was practical, just chilly.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@london_calling: It's a Brooklyn thing, you guys. In Queens, we reserve our scarves until long into November. I guess we're just made of tougher stuff there.

Oh, snap. Somebody just started a borough war. Thassright.

I'm the same way with flip-flops. It's hard to let go of them when it starts getting cold out. Not wearing socks is so simple and comfortable.

angiesyounglover said...

right?! a few days this week people on the subway broke out some really hot peacoats, envy-striking boots, and amazingly -patterned scarves. i was like shit, stop! i'm not ready to up my game to the winter styles! don't make me! ::heels dragging::

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: Well, I whipped out my awesome boots today, and I'm now suffering from a really painful blister on the bottom of my foot. :(

Jen said...

@london_calling: I am with you on the flip flops. I'm wearing real shoes today, though I'm not willing to break out a jacket yet. This is autumn sweater weather. *starts humming Yo La Tengo*

msdirector said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It's all his fault. Stupid wannabe hipster.

Also, I love you.

I only know one dramatically cold person, and to be fair, she's dramatically cold all year round. If it's below 75, she's chilly. But then again, she is from Brazil, so there's a whole climate thing going on.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@msdirector: Climate change people are totally understandable. When I first moved here, I was NOT used to humidity at all, so I spent a lot of time sponging my armpits.

Also, you're welcome. Any mention I can make of what a huge jerkoff that guy is...

TheGuvnah said...

omfg HILARIOUS. My word of advice to the dramatically cold women in my office with their personal space heaters virtually year-round (because it's cold with the AC even in August!): gain a few pounds and get over yourself.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@theguvnah: It's always the older ladies around here. And then we get the snarky notes from the office manager being all, "Don't touch the thermostat." It's endless.

angiesyounglover said...

@bethville: never did i know what blisters were until i moved to new york. i feel for you. if you can get your hands on a bottle of melaleuca oil, dooitt. it helps a lot. but yeah, everytime i get a new pair of shoes, heels espesh, my feet have to eat shit before i can walk normally.

sigourneyfever said...

I have the opposite problem where I live, where it actually IS super cold 99% of the time. Here, we have the Dramatically Hot, who feel that shorts, tank tops, and sandals are necessary whenever the temp goes above 50 degrees.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@sigourney: I'm one of those people. I can't help digging out the flip-flops at the first sign of spring in March.

lalaland13 said...

I think I'm Dramatically Hot, although not as much as my brother, who cured meat in his bedroom. True story.

My cubicle has a fan from a previous occupant, and I use it sometimes. It's nice.

I think Katie Holmes is Dramatically Scientologically Cold. At least based on a picture of her I saw the other day.

bubblegumculture.com said...

I lived with a dramatically cold person in college. She was always cold, and when I'd walk into our room, the blast of hot air from the heater would nearly knock me down. She was also pencil thin (one of those confounding people who can eat what they want and never gain an ounce), so I blame it on her lack of body fat.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bubblegumculture: I have to admit that the first time I lived in an apartment, I took advantage of the fact I had control over the thermostat for the first time. And cranked on the heat more often than I should have.

fitforafemme said...

So, what do you call someone like me, who stubbornly insisted it wouldn't rain this morning...and now, of course, it is raining.

I just didn't want to get hurt again, you know? We had that one faux-Fall week, and then it was 100 degrees again. And now here I am, in a sheer blouse and wafer-thin trousers, nary a sweater or coat in sight.

KILL ME NOW.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@fitforafemme: What you need is this:

http://www.umbrellatoday.com

It's the best weather forecast of all time.

Also, do what I do, and keep a sweater at your desk year round. Because you never know when there will be a cold snap. :)