Sunday, September 14, 2008

In the Future, There Will Be Fame for Everyone!

When you grow up, little lady, you're gonna be famous. Just like me, just like my momma, and just like her momma before her. Why? Because that's the American way. You'll get to be about twelve years old in a few years. We'll drive you up into town. You'll get all that hair in your personal area waxed off. Then, we'll take you over to old Doc's place, and he'll set you up with your first pair of breasts. Yessiree! We'll have you done up right.

Now, don't you worry about your teeth. We'll get those replaced in the front. I don't want anybody thinking I can't buy my baby nice teeth.

After a few years of sitcom work, you'll get your first reality TV show. Just you wait! Why, I remember when I had my first reality show. I lived in a house with nine strangers. And there was only one toaster. Can you imagine that? Oh, the fights we had over that toaster! There was another show that came on later where there was only one instant pizza maker. I'm sure glad I ended up on COAST TO TOAST instead of that one. All of those girls ended up standing in line for their fat reduction down at the free lipo clinic.

Back then, there were only 865 channels on basic cable. If you wanted a reality show, you had to work for it! You had to stand in line and audition. It wasn't like nowadays when you just walk in, lift up your shirt, and let a producer measure your buttocks. We used to have to put on makeup, too. You girls don't know how lucky you are that we do rhinoplasty and cosmetic tattooing at birth. It saves you a lot of time and pain later on when you're trying to get your career going.

But listen to me talk while you're hunched over the toilet throwing up your breakfast. Just know that it's a means to an end, sugar. A means to an end. One day you'll look back on all this and thank me.

2 comments:

bubblegumculture.com said...

You just really reminded me of David Sedaris there.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bgc: I love "Christmas Means Giving." It's probably one of my favorite stories of all time.