Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Have Cupcakes! You Can't Have Any!

I have cupcakes. How many cupcakes do you have? No cupcakes! Hahahahahahahaha! They're mine. MIIIIINE!

It's not my birthday. Or a graduation. Or a baby shower. It's not for any reason at all, except: Cupcakes! Me having them and you wanting them.

But don't look at me. I'm not sharing. All six of these chocolatey (and one lemon) cupcakes are for my personal use only. And they will sit right here, where you might see them on your way to the copy machine, until I go home at 5 PM today. Unless I choose to eat some before then. Maybe just this one.

There you sit at your desk, talking on your telephone. "Blah, blah, blah, schedules and agendas." Here I sit at my desk typing away furiously on this memo to you, giggling merrily about the bakery box sitting on my lap. I hope the sounds of my laughter aren't distracting you. Are they? Maybe if I fill my mouth with another cupcake, it will stifle the noise a bit. Mmmm...oh, cupcake, you're so good to me.

You sure look hungry over there. What did you bring for lunch today? Is that a turkey sandwich? Did your mom make that for you in 1986? And grapes? Grapes are for babies and old people! You know what aren't? CUPCAKES! These ones over here in my hands.

Ring! Ring! Oh, there goes my phone! I wonder who that could be.

Hello? Oh, hiiiiiiiii, famous person my cubicle neighbor is a fan of! How nice of you to call. Yes, as a matter of fact, I DO have cupcakes. Of course you can have one! Free backstage passes?! That is just so nice of you! Wow, and I would LOVE to come to your birthday party. You're nice. I'm so glad we're best friends.

Okay, I'd better go. Talk to you later.

Oh, that? Nothing. Just a friend who likes cupcakes too. I'm totally sharing with her because she's so nice.

I just ate another one. Did you see me? I was making a lot of noises to let you know how yummy it was. Like, "Oooooooh. Mmmmm....Yeah, that's right. Oh, cupcake. Don't stop."

The cupcake didn't say anything. It just got into my belly where it would be safe from prospective cupcake thieves like you.

Wow, I'm sure full of cupcakes. That was too many for just one little person like me. Maybe I should rub these last ones in my armpit to make them inedible for anyone else.

Ah, that's better.

Those were sure good cupcakes.


Anonymous said...

Man, I want one of those cupcakes.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bubblegumculture: Too bad! I rubbed them in my armpits and got them all covered with sweat and shirt lint! And Secret Mountain Mist Antiperspirant!

lalaland13 said...

This may drive me to the grocery store for cupcakes on the way home, damnit. I already need trash bags and...frozen food. Damnit. I hate this having to eat food to live business. It's so inconvenient.

t.c. said...

I just ate a green, perfectly spherical peanut m&m with no peanut in it.

nadarine said...

Yeah, well I have creme brulee! Mmmm! So there!

... ahem, make that HAD creme brulee. It is gone now.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@lalaland13: I totally hear that. Sometimes I think I would be perfectly okay financially if it weren't for my pesky metabolism thing.

@t.c.: Make a wish!

@nadarine: My cupcake was better! So there!!!

angiesyounglover said...

they better be from sugar sweet sunshine!!!

AmazonRedhead said...

Oh yeah? Well what you don't know is that before you ate and/or nastied up those cupcakes, I licked all of them when you were in the bathroom. Hahahahahahaha!

M said...

wow. i really like grapes.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: Where else would I go? :)

@amazonredhead: And I knew you would do that, so what you licked were my decoy cupcakes, which I rubbed on a homeless person beforehand.

@M: Someone should invent grape cupcakes. Maybe that someone should be me.

Greta said...

Your armpit cupcakes do not deter. gimmee.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@greta: I'm sorry, the armpit cupcakes are not at home. Please leave a message after the beep.


M said...

geeky cupcakes: http://media.techeblog.com/images/mariocakes_1.jpg

Jenn said...

My lord Ms. Mayor, I just think I had a visual foodgasm. Yup, yup...I did.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@M: Those are amazing, but you know that if you took them to a class of third graders, everybody would want the princess. :)

@jenn: Be careful where you point it.

t.c. said...

I would want the plain sky blue one.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@t.c.: LIES!