Tuesday, August 19, 2008

No, Thank You. Go Sit On Your Own Face.

You know what's really flattering? When you're walking down the street and a total stranger offers to let you sit on his face. Because how did he know that I had just been sitting at my desk at work thinking to myself, "You know what I want right now? A nice, long face sit"? It's like when you're sick and someone brings you an ice cream cone without even asking if you want one. How refreshing. He read my mind.

It reminded me of my favorite scene from Gone With the Wind when Rhett Butler sees Scarlett O'Hara at Twelve Oaks and says that immortal line, "Miss Scarlett, won't you do me the honor of sitting on my face?" It makes me swoon every time.

I love it even more when the guy doesn't say anything at all, just makes a noise like an ejaculating bull moose.

"Muuughhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" as Spencer Tracy once said to Katharine Hepburn. One of the most memorable movie quotes of all time. Adam's Rib, if I'm not mistaken.

The laws of courtship are millions of years old. And I'm sure that at one time long ago, the grunts of the male tyrannosaur made a female quiver down to her freakishly tiny forelimbs. But I'm not sure that does it for me.

Admittedly, I have simple tastes. I'm fine with a dude having a brain, a torso, at least two limbs, and a mustache. But if nothing more comes out of his mouth than "Hey, baby. Come over here and sit on my face," or "Oooooh, sexy, sexy," I'm probably going to just ignore him. And I do realize that when oversized man-children engage in their street-side fuck me banter, it's really less about courtship and more about dick length comparison and reminding me that I'm just an object. But, I mean, at least be a bit clever about it, random dude. Or say please. There's a pretty wide gap between, "Hey, you! Come over here and sit on my face!" and "Excuse me, madam. But would you allow me to perform an extremely gratifying sexual act on you over there in my van. I think you'll find my skill to be top notch."

Not to mention that it's pretty presumptive of anyone to assume that I get any enjoyment out of said act. It's like me walking up to a random dude and saying, "Hey, buddy. How would you like me to dress all in leather and stick this lampshade up your butt?" like Bette Davis said to William Holden that time. I actually might start carrying a lampshade around in my purse for such occasions. (It's probably a good thing that I already dress all in leather every day for work. Ah-tcha.)

I just wish sometimes that I could be pleasantly surprised by how people act in public. That when I sit down at a baseball game in front of four guys in their early 20s, they'll have something to talk about besides who has the hairiest balls and which one of their girlfriends is a contortionist. That's not too much to ask, is it? And when I see a guy leering at me on the sidewalk, he would just once say something like, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate..." Who knows? I might even sit on his face for his efforts.


*h said...

On one of my last days living in NYC, I made the stupid mistake of walking down the street and eating an ice cream cone. Some nasty guy offered to "switch places" with my ice cream cone. Because nasty stranger penis, apparently, is tastier than Mint Chocolate Chip.

I don't know what they expect us to say, either. If I had said yes, he probably would have run away, or called me a whore. I considered throwing my ice cream cone at him, but that would have been a waste of a good cone, though I had a hard time eating it after that. Thanks, Nasty McNasterson!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@h: That's what's horrible about it. There is no way to respond. If you ignore them, they get away with it. If you say something, they know they got to you. And, no, you should never waste a good ice cream cone by throwing it at a loser.

Jen said...

There really isn't any way to respond to comments like that, which is really frustrating. I've been lucky enough to not be the target of particularly lewd comments (or my ipod prevents me from hearing them). Mostly shit like 'ooh, that skirt looks good on you.' There was one oddly polite guy that said something to my roommate and I - something like "Excuse me ladies, pardon me for saying this, but you both look beautiful today."

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jen: One time a homeless guy looked up at me and said, "That is a very nice outfit," and then went back to talking to himself.

Anonymous said...

I used to walk two blocks from my parking space to my office at my old job, and every single day, without fail, some idiot walking or driving by would make a comment. My two favorites were the "You look like a super model walking the runway, work it!" comment from a flamingly gay homeless man and "Butt sex!" screamed at me by a guy in a passing car. The last one always makes me smile because it was just so random and loud and without context.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bubblegumculture: There are flamingly gay homeless men? I had to go back and read that several times while trying to decide if that's possible. The two worlds just don't seem to mesh.

Oh, and...


angiesyounglover said...

there's just nothing to say or do. i've flipped off, i've yelled, "i'm a dyke, leave me alone!" and one time, a particularly very frustrating day, some guy in a skeazy pink button down with pinstripe pants and greasy hair was like "ooo yeah, lookin' good" or some shit like that and i actually stopped, turned around and said "what do you want me to say back?" and his face, omg, he didn't know what to say. so then i got fiesty with him, "no, really, wtf do you want me to say back? thank you?" and he's like "i was just saying!" and i said "well i dont need you to say anything to me. ever. you don't know me, don't fucking speak to me. because in some perverted way you may be trying to be nice, but you make me feel like shit." and then i walked away. and he leaned over to his buddy and said something crude, and they laughed so i was like FUCK, man, i can't get anywhere.
this sight is really cool, though, check it out: http://hollabacknyc.blogspot.com/
sometimes they post pics, sometimes they don't get a chance, but it's a good playground to hang at if you're feeling shitty from cat calls :)

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: That website is GREAT. Thanks for posting the link!!!!

msdirector said...

My two favorite stories about catcalls:

1. My friend was walking down the street, dressed for her office job, so not particularly flashy. Some guy walked past her and said something under his breath about "Nice knockers." (SHUDDER at that word.) She turned around and said, very loudly, "Did you just say something to me? That's VERY disrespectful!" and kept walking. He didn't know what to do.

2. Back in high school, I was in downtown Philly with two friends when a guy leaned out of his car, leered at us, and shouted, "Mm, can I get a rack of lamb with that?" My friend just started screaming back at him, as we kept walking away, "What? Who raised you? Were you born in a barn? 'Can I get a rack of lamb with that?' Who says that? Shit!"

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@msdirector: Hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

Last time I tried sitting on my own face, I had to wear a neck brace for a month.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@damagenoted: Have you ever read the Paul Feig essay about trying to give himself a blowjob? It's worth a read. Disturbing but incredibly hilarious.

Be more careful in the future. :)

Anonymous said...

We need to form a panel of ex-catcallers, to find out which retorts get back under their skin, encourage them and the ones that get them to STFU, if they exist.

Perhaps a chaste, "You have terrible manners," would do? No?

Spitting tacks, then?