Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me, Indeed


















Well, it's that time of year again. The day when we celebrate that great day 29 years ago when I fell out of a vagina (hi, Mom!), was washed, swabbed, and swaddled, and then forced into the arms of strangers to be patted and photographed. We pay homage to my arrival by eating cake, which has absolutely nothing to do with squeezing your way down a birth canal. If birth were like birthdays, babies would be frosted and then lit on fire while people stood around and sang while wearing pointed hats. Which, let's face it, is just a bit weird.

Birthdays are supposed to be a time of celebration. And yet I somehow always manage to stress myself out by expecting too much, or feeling too old, or getting too drunk. I start to ponder what I'll be doing in a year and how old I'll be and how I'll feel about it. Inevitably, I end the day upset with myself for wasting the day thinking too much. So, this year, I'm taking it easy in an attempt to not worry any more than what is necessary.

Therefore, I'm sitting here today in my living room with my feet up. I watched reruns of The Golden Girls, went for a swim, got a giant iced coffee, and plan to eat cupcakes and have cocktails later with all my friends of super awesomeness. Mostly I just want to have a better birthday than I did last year. Won't you let me tell you about it? Won't you?

Last year, at 12 midnight when I looked at the clock and saw that my birthday was officially over, I was at my ex-boyfriend's apartment. The evening had started out pleasant enough. We had dinner. And then I suggested that we get a bottle of wine, hang out, and watch a movie or something. What happened instead was that my ex attempted to drink the entire bottle of wine himself, put on a Beastie Boys DVD, watched it while he ignored me, and finally passed out at about 10.

So I sat up alone watching reruns of Home Improvement with myself and wondering what the hell I was doing there to begin with. Who spends her birthday with an ex-boyfriend who makes her miserable? Apparently, I do.

And so, as Wilson was once again consoling Tim over some problem or another, I vowed that I would be happy and stress-free on my next birthday. Because birthdays are, after all, a time of celebration. Not because you fell out of a vagina at some point in history, but because you've done something since then.

13 comments:

Greta said...

may your birthday be as lovely as Marilyn herself...like, not the dead Marilyn with her guts full of barbiturates. But the lush, happy Marilyn, who was alive and stuff.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Hahahahahahaha...that is the loveliest birthday wish I've ever received, Greta.

lalaland13 said...

If birthing a kid was like that, I might actually considering reproducing.

Happy birthday, mayor. You're a hilarious and lovely gal. With or without cake. Or pie. But cake and pie are both nice.

angiesyounglover said...

happy birthday madam! i like your new pic! CUPCAKES! word!

Nefarious Newt said...

The day you were born
was the day the world awoke
and was made to smile

Happy Birthday today, tomorrow, and always.

damagenoted said...

If possible, be the Marilyn who was married to Joe DiMaggio. She's my favorite.

Happy birthday, my dear.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@lalaland13: Thanks! I've had the cake. Now I just need some pie.

@ayl: The strawberry cream cheese cupcake was HEAVENLY. Soon I will eat the pumpkin cake sitting here on my desk.

@damagenoted: Thanks, bebe.

sigourneyfever said...

I love the DiMaggio Marilyn, too.

And also I love Poppy Montgomery's Marilyn in the "Blonde" miniseries, which I will be happy to watch with you and a plate of cupcakes whenever.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@h: Dude, I would sit around and watch a 24 hour marathon of Perfect Strangers if you and cupcakes were involved.

bubblegumculture.com said...

I hope your birthday was fabulous. Of course, you started the day with Golden Girls, so it couldn't have been bad.

angiesyounglover said...

how'd was the birthday? i want a blog outlining the cupcake sprinkles... i mean details.
kthxbai.

Jenn said...

I know you had a better birthday than last year and by Job you deserved it! It'll only get better from here, I promise!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bgc: It was marvelous. Quite relaxing, and there were FOUR episodes of GG on throughout the day. Ahhh..

@ayl: The cupcakes. Dey were delicious.

@jenn: Indeed it was. No sex is better than bad sex, I must say.