Monday, August 25, 2008

BETHANY CONQUERS HER FEARS! Part 1: Bikini Waxing

















Welcome to the fun new blog segment where I CONQUER MY FEARS one fear at a time and then write about it. Because we all have fears. Some fears are really, really big, like jumping out of an airplane into a half-pike, landing on skis, skiing down the side of a mountain and over a crevasse, catapulting yourself onto a helicopter, taking the controls from a man wearing an eye patch, and landing it safely in time to diffuse the bomb. And there are little fears too. Like popping balloons, reptiles, and forgetting to Tivo something. And while I think that some fears are completely founded (vampires), others are kind of silly (diaper rash). This is why I seek to take on my own silly fears one by one. Because most of the time there's nothing to be afraid of.

First stop...bikini waxing.

Now, before we talk about the actual act of bikini waxing, let's talk about the why. Bikini waxing is a very personal choice. Why, you ask? Because someone is going to pour hot wax on your cooter and then rip it off, taking a bunch of your hair with it. That, to me, seems like a pretty bad idea. If some random stranger on the street started chasing me with a pot of steaming wax, I would run away. Wouldn't you? It's painful, and it's on a very personal area of your body. And things could go wrong in so many different ways. And yet, women do this every day without fear. They see it as just another process of grooming that we have to go through to keep ourselves tidy.

For years, I've been kind of fine with not feeling the need to be tidy. Because who cares? Anybody who gets to see my untidy little garden needs to be a good enough person to not mind. I don't just hand over the key and tell the gardener where I keep my shovel. I need to see at least a resume and a few references first.

Also, for some women, I feel like waxing is done to please a sexual partner. You know, like cleaning for your guests before they arrive for a visit. And I'm not down with that idea. Because what right does someone else have to like or dislike something about my body? Therefore, I did not come to the decision to wax lightly.

Honestly, I just got really tired of feeling awkward in my swimsuit. And having to do the casual, "Oh, my hand is just here. I'm not hiding anything" walk to the edge of the pool. I'd really much rather just know that no one is noticing that I'm hiding Sasquatch in my pants. So I decided to just put my fears aside temporarily and make the waxing appointment.

Now, going back to the garden analogy, let's be clear that I like my garden. I'm an adult, and I have no desire to revert my hairless pre-teen state. Nobody should resemble a bald oyster after the age of 12. So, when I arrived at my appointment, I was very insistent that most of the vegetation be left intact.

Nobody prepares you for the indignity of holding your own leg over your head while someone you've just met examines your pubes. But you do it anyway and keep reassuring yourself that it will all be over soon and you can skip home a new woman.

I'm not going to lie to you. The waxing part smarts. And it's awkward. And you begin to wonder if it will even be worth it. Because, really, what are you so afraid of people seeing in the first place? A little bit of hair?

I went through with it anyway. I went home. I put on my swimsuit and went to the pool without any fear of embarrassment at all. And I marked it off on my list of fears to conquer. Just another thing to tick off the list. Another fear conquered. Garden: weeded.

20 comments:

angiesyounglover said...

did you skip home a new woman or ... hobble? yowza! i can't wait to read about the next fear!

Jenn said...

Wow, you're my hero. For the sake of not having irritation bumps and scratching at my garden like a mad woman I've refrained.

You are so tenacious! Best-post-ever!

pamalot said...

WOW.
I laughed so frigging hard when you said bald oyster and that you like you garden. hahahahaha!!

i have a momentary fear of giving you TMI, so i will refrain from my most recent experience on this topic.

does Sasquatch like his new haircut? :)

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: I walked home gingerly and then applied some body oil after my shower. Today I had to buy diaper rash ointment to reduce some of the redness. It is feeling better, sooo....we'll see.

@jenn: I'm still waiting for the bumps to arrive. If they do, I'm trying a different place and a different kind of wax. I CANNOT GIVE UP!

@pamelot: I think you just accidentally named my vagina, Pam. Because it's going by Sasquatch from now on. And you should never be afraid of sharing your TMI. I love TMI.

Andrea said...

I don't know...personally I'm afraid of this freakish cat.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@andrea: Isn't he hilarious???? I almost died laughing at that cat, so I had to use him.

angiesyounglover said...

what i wanna know is ... like, what do you TALK about when you're there, spread eagle, getting waxed? like...scape any good vaginas today? how disarming! my first gyno appointment was terrifying. that's a lot to put out there.

but i just decided what i would say to someone who was scared to get waxed at my spa: "don't be such a pussy!"
wah. wah. waaaaah.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: Er....I didn't talk. I just laid there. Which is funny because when I'm at the gyno, I'm perfectly comfortable making chit chat.

My mom had to come with me to my first big gyno appointment. And hold my hand.....

I was 22.

nadarine said...

My new waxer was fucking CHATTY. "How long have you lived here, where do you work, where's your family from, have you tried this restaurant..."
SHUT UP AND GROOM MY CROTCH.

And then she did, and then I was happy (and $45 poorer), and I must say that even a month later, I am much better-groomed than expected. Next time I will make my appointment and indicate that I am a deaf-mute who does not engage in conversation while naked from the waist down.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@nadarine: If my waxer had been chatty, I probably would have talked to her. Because I'm one of those people who is made more comfortable by idle chit chat. It fills the quiet and reminds me that she's just doing her job.

laia. said...

you are brave and all, but I think I'd rather try the jump off a plane/ski/diffuse bomb situation, before i lay down and put my leg over my head while some lady tortures me.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@laia: This gives me an idea for the perfect Bond villain.

peej said...

You are a brave soul. I am with Laia on the bomb diffusion tip.

Diffusing bombs instead of waxing
MACGRUUUUUUUBER!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@peej: Hand me that tube of chapstick, those six pages of loose leaf notebook paper, and that box turtle. Don't argue with me! There's no time! We have to get these hairs waxed before prom.

lalaland13 said...

So this is different from the Brazilian kind, right? I might could handle the bikini wax, since there's a practical purpose, but more than that and I'm going to start reciting Vagina Monologues. But uh, that's just me. And you are brave. I admire that.

Yeah, I think I've heard too many stories of women doing it to please their man, so it raises my hackles. Once some ladymag had a (perhaps fictional) guy saying he expected women to "keep order down there." I decided he should not be allowed in any women's chambers to bang her gavel.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@lalaland: Yes. Brazilian is waxing all of it. I just had them take a little off the sides.

Those fucking ladymags and their lies and bullshit in an attempt to sell someone else's product. Complete and utter nonsense.

MsDirector said...

Laia and Peej, I'm with you two. Nobody puts hot wax anywhere near my vag. Not nobody, not nohow.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@msdirector: CHICKEN!

bubblegumculture.com said...

@laia, peej, msdirector: Count me among the chickens. But Honorable Mayor, I'm in awe of you for conquering your fear! Bravo!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@bgc: My sister told me I was an idiot the other night because she just uses her electric shaver to take care of business down there. I'm all, I don't want electricity that close to my personal area. I'm okay with steaming wax. Just no electricity.