Sunday, July 6, 2008

To the Nefarious Ludwig Von Butterick, With Much Regret

Dear Mr. Von Butterick,

I write with much regret. Regret that I have disappointing news and regret that my regret will leave you with more regret than the news would bring you, if I carried with me only it and not additional regret.

So, brace yourself. May I suggest putting this letter down and running to the kitchen of the glorious Von Butterick Casino Hotel and Teriyaki Restaurant for some warm panda milk and biscuits to calm your nerves? I will enclose a favorite biscuit recipe with my letter. My mother used to make them for me when I arrived at home in elementary school with much regret and a D on my report card.

The terribly regretful news I bring to you involves permits. Permits that I regret to tell you that you did not secure before building your casino hotel and teriyaki restaurant. Now, before I write this next part, I'm going to huddle under my desk and eat cookies and contemplate the devastating effect that the next part of my news will bring. Please excuse me for a moment.

Okay, I have returned to my typewriter and will now continue with my bad news.

My news is this: Tomorrow at 12 PM, men with equipment of destruction will arrive at your fabulous casino hotel and teriyaki restaurant and bulldoze it to the ground. They will then break for lunch and eat their bologna sandwiches. After that, they will dig a large crevasse and bury the rubble beneath it while taking little consideration of the environmental impact of that action. Not even a teriyaki sauce packet will be saved.

I regret having to bring you this news. But at the same time, now that I am relieved of my burden, I feel much, much better.

I regret writing that last sentence, as I'm sure it only increased your regret over the news I have just given you.

Anyhoo, I have other letters to write today. So, I leave you and your regret now and get back to my swank job in a building that isn't going to be knocked down tomorrow.


Babcock McNierny
Permit Office and VP of Knocking Down Buildings


bessie casselhofften said...

dear babcock mc nierny,

it is with ill regret that i find myself in a position where i have to ask this question. i thought you of all people should have known better. you being the ever vigilent and impressive employee of the permit office and VP of knocking down buildings, enc.

alas i am forced to ask, do you have a permit for eating those cookies under your desk? because i have checked the records and there is nothing in them for the date, time, location, and types of cookies you were eating under your desk. perhaps this is merely a filing error in the office, but given that it's you who oversees the filing, i am quite certain it is not.

it is with regret that i inform you if the proper paperwork is not presented within five days, you will be given a fine and/or jail time. i shan't like to mar your record or reputation if it can be avoided.

bessie casselhofften
office of protocol and proper paperwork

Babcock McNierny, VP Knocking Down Buildings said...

Dear Mr. Castlehofner,

They were shortbread. I filed the paperwork not ten minutes before eating said cookies. If you look in the file drawer between shit and shutters, you'll find a folder for shortbread containing the necessary documents. And a few samples of the cookies, which were delectable by the way, that I filed away for later. Please help yourself. You'll find some milk filed under M.

Good day to you, sir.

Babcock McNierny