Sunday, July 6, 2008
To the Nefarious Ludwig Von Butterick, With Much Regret
Dear Mr. Von Butterick,
I write with much regret. Regret that I have disappointing news and regret that my regret will leave you with more regret than the news would bring you, if I carried with me only it and not additional regret.
So, brace yourself. May I suggest putting this letter down and running to the kitchen of the glorious Von Butterick Casino Hotel and Teriyaki Restaurant for some warm panda milk and biscuits to calm your nerves? I will enclose a favorite biscuit recipe with my letter. My mother used to make them for me when I arrived at home in elementary school with much regret and a D on my report card.
The terribly regretful news I bring to you involves permits. Permits that I regret to tell you that you did not secure before building your casino hotel and teriyaki restaurant. Now, before I write this next part, I'm going to huddle under my desk and eat cookies and contemplate the devastating effect that the next part of my news will bring. Please excuse me for a moment.
Okay, I have returned to my typewriter and will now continue with my bad news.
My news is this: Tomorrow at 12 PM, men with equipment of destruction will arrive at your fabulous casino hotel and teriyaki restaurant and bulldoze it to the ground. They will then break for lunch and eat their bologna sandwiches. After that, they will dig a large crevasse and bury the rubble beneath it while taking little consideration of the environmental impact of that action. Not even a teriyaki sauce packet will be saved.
I regret having to bring you this news. But at the same time, now that I am relieved of my burden, I feel much, much better.
I regret writing that last sentence, as I'm sure it only increased your regret over the news I have just given you.
Anyhoo, I have other letters to write today. So, I leave you and your regret now and get back to my swank job in a building that isn't going to be knocked down tomorrow.
Permit Office and VP of Knocking Down Buildings