Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Story of Farting Ugly: A Realistic Fairy Tale
A message from the Mayor of Bethville: Oh, hello. I'm just popping in to post something because I haven't posted since Wednesday and feel very lazy about it. Truthfully, I'm in the middle of a separate project and it's A) annoying and B) keeping me quite busy. So, here is something to tide you over, a fairy tale from the old newsletter archives. Trust that I have lots of fun things in the works right now, but nothing is quite ready. Enjoy this for now and I'll have something new for you by Monday!
Once upon a time there was a average looking princess named Linda. One of the princes in a neighboring kingdom who was only average looking himself (and therefore had lowered expectations due to poor self confidence) thought it might be a good idea to send word to Linda that he found her interesting. What Prince Billy didn’t know is that Linda was cursed for life by a doting aunt who brought nothing but cabbage to family gatherings. She brought coleslaw to family picnics, cabbage rolls at Thanksgiving, scalloped cabbage at Christmas, and the occasional cabbage birthday cake when it was her turn to bring dessert. So, not only was Princess Linda only average looking, she was also cursed with excess gas.
So, needless to say, Linda was not overjoyed to receive Prince Billy’s note. How would she explain her problem to him and not lose his interest? Would Billy still be able to see past her enlarged pores, unibrow, and wide birthing hips? So, Princess Linda decided to ignore the note altogether until she could come up with a solution.
The only problem with that is, like most average looking girls who lack in self-confidence, Princess Linda had a very overbearing mother. Queen Nancy found the note from Prince Billy while “cleaning Linda’s room” and decided that it was in Linda’s best interest to go out on a date with Prince Billy. “If anything, Linda” she said, “you need to get out of the castle once in a while.” So, Queen Nancy sent a messenger to Billy’s mother, Queen Becky, posthaste and arranged for her daughter to be picked up that night at eight.
Luckily, Prince Billy was a nice guy, and he and Princess Linda had a nice time. They discovered they had a lot in common: domineering mothers, exciting hobbies (him, model airplanes; her, taxidermy), and a love for Russian literature (him, Tolstoy; her, Dostoyevsky). They went on several more dates.
As it turns out, Prince Billy also had an insane doting aunt, one who used lentils in everything. So, everything turned out all right. Prince Billy and Princess Linda eventually eloped and moved to a kingdom far, far away from their mothers. The crazy doting aunts became good friends and now own a very successful vegetarian eatery. Queens Becky and Nancy founded the Wealthy Dowager’s Society for Mothers of Ungrateful Children, a non-profit organization. They are the only members. Nowadays, Prince Billy spends his free time perusing Ebay for first edition copies of Notes from the Underground for his darling (and still average-looking) wife, and Princess Linda is writing a cookbook called 101 Uses for Cauliflower. They don’t have kids yet and would appreciate people not asking about it at every family gathering.