Friday, July 11, 2008

How to Date: Those Guys Who Just Stop Calling and Why It Is Wrong to Kill Them

*ring ring*


Oh, hello. Is this Betsy?

Yes. Yes it is.

Well, Betsy, this is Trevor. Remember me?

Trevor, of course I remember you. Why are you calling?

I thought it might be nice of me to call and tell you that I would like to end our relationship. I feel it's only fair that I let you know before I date someone else.

Trevor, we've been married for six years. You can't just call me and tell me you want to see other people. We have children.

Well, Betsy. I was reading a very interesting magazine. Cosmopolitan, I think it was called... And it said that when you end a relationship, it's always polite to give the person a call and let them know. That way you can get your stuff back.

Cosmopolitan, eh? Let me guess, the November issue? Tell me, Trevor, are you calling from the upstairs bathroom? Where I keep my old magazines?


Because, if you are, why don't you just come downstairs so we can talk about this in person?

Uh. No, actually, I'm calling from a phone booth. Yeah, a phone booth.

Fine, if this is how you want to play it...






Now that I've got your attention, let's talk about when it IS appropriate to call someone and tell her (or him) that your relationship is over.

Now, I'm not going to pretend I'm innocent. I've recently "just never called back" a couple of guys I went out with only once. I admit it wasn't the kindest way to go about it. But sometimes it's just the easier option when things are awkward.

1) It gets your message across.
2) You don't have to explain why.

But one date is one date. It isn't a relationship, and let's face it, if you agree to see a person on more than one occasion and semi-acknowledge that you like that person, either by saying so or agreeing to engage in some sort of physical contact, then you are in a form of relationship. I don't care if you had that "Okay, but let's not get too serious about this" talk. You have to tell the other person it's over when it is.

So, this happened to me only once. I'm not bragging.

His name was Eric. And we actually had several really great dates before he just stopped calling. On the last of these dates, he had what I like to call a "personal malfunction." He was obviously embarrassed. I never heard from him again. I haven't gotten over it. It's been two years. What did he think I was going to do if he told me he didn't want to see me again? Cry? Throw myself off a building? Threaten to cut off his balls? No. I would have been hurt, but I wouldn't have hunted him down and sold his kidneys on Ebay. So what was he so afraid of? Confrontation? What a baby!

So, here is a lesson for dudes out there who are considering taking the easy way out of your relationship. Know that you could do this to someone who could potentially blog about your boner issues two years later because she is still hurt by you not calling.

Stories on this subject? Share them in the comments. Let's heal together.


MsDirector said...

You already know my story. So I won't repeat it here, because that would be boring and self-indulgent. Great post, though! And so timely...

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Considering how many people I know right now who are going through this bs, I figured it might be a good idea to put this out there.

Boring? Per-lease. :)

Jen said...

MsDirector, do I need to hunt down a pretty boy and hurt him? I've been working out lately, so I might actually be able to inflict some damage.

Wonderful post as always, Ms. Mayor. It is a pleasure to read your writing.

SBJ said...

I am scared to read more. Scared because you are The Funny, and I should be working, not snickering into my fists at my desk.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Thanks, Jen!

Work schmork, SBJ!

Greta said...

Just curious, what is the female equivalent of blue balls? It happened to me this weekend, and I've been desperate to put a name to the feeling that comes when an immanent make out is abruptly denied for shitty reasons.

Greta said...

"Blue ovaries" is out. Too pedantic.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Don't you hate that, Greta? One time I was having a long and very elaborate drunken makeout session up against a building. And I was like, "Hey! I'm gonna go home now. Wanna come?" And he said, "I'd better not. I don't think you like me the way I like you."

I say we call it having a mandatory penis embargo.

Greta said...

I believe it to be a feeling similar to the star Olympian who trips at the end of the 200 m dash.

Tell me, what kind of guy says he's up for coming over, I give him the address and say "30 minutes", and then he says he's too tired.


I have serious doubts as to whether this is a penised individual.

Greta said...

I like mandatory penis embargo. Surprise mandatory penis embargo.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Because he literally was "up" and just the sound of your voice caused him to...

You know.

I'm like the Mae West of blogging. Seriously, it's sick.

Jen said...

Dear Ms. Mayor-

Upon rereading this post, I realized that you do not, in fact, explain why it is wrong to kill these guys. Therefore, I am left to assume that it IS okay.

On a wholly unrelated note, do you have a knife sharpener I could borrow?

lalaland13 said...

I've already mentioned the Balless Wonder one too many times. But yes, he lived up to his name.

This isn't quite the same thing, but I've been sort of trying online dating (by sort of, I mean OKCupid since it's free and not annoying) and I love it when this happens.

Me: Hey. I saw you like bunnies. Bunnies are cool. I once had a bunny named Steve.

Him: Yeah. Bunnies are fluffy.

Nothing else. I never know if they're just not good at e-mailing or if they're trying to tell me "Go away" without actually telling me that. I generally presume the latter.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

You're correct. I did forget to mention why it is wrong to kill men who don't call.

Well then, here's why:

Because rotting corpses are stinky. And one cannot Febreze away her pain and suffering, my friend.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Lalalalalalalalala: You're going about it all wrong. You've gotta ask him if he wants to see the rabbit in your pocket. When he says yes, instant sex.

Bunnies no. Pocket rabbits, yes.

Anonymous said...

Oh, this is a sore subject for me. My last ex pulled this number on me, after we'd been dating for nearly four months! We'd even gone to the beach together. Then, boom, he just stops calling. Are you kidding me? So, I sent him a very cool, calm email (since I couldn't get the fucker on the phone) detailing what an immature shit he was. He got the point and sent me this long, apologetic reply (too little, too late, asshole).

That was three years ago and I'm in a happy relationship now, but even so, that incident still continues to chap my ass.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

WTF? Who does that? What a shitface.

t.c. said...

I thought "do you want to have a cup of coffee" was the internationally recognized indicator that "sex is on!"

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I like my men like I like my coffee.

Hot and strong.

(If you want to know the truth, I really go for sweet and creamy with the coffee, but that just sounds wrong.)