Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Cautionary Tale! Safe Sex in Three Acts: Part 3

Guy on the Street: Up there! No! Not there! Not in the sky! But on that ladder leaning against that building with suspiciously fogged up window glass? Is it...? Is it...?


Abstinence Crusaaaaader!?

One who crusades through parking garages, bean bag chairs, basement couches and the like, making sure that teenagers' wayward hormones don't make them go too far?


No, no. I am mistaken. It is a window washer. And that, on his waist, is not Abstinence Crusader's trusted chastity belt, but a safety harness. And in his hand? Not a handy underwear and Bible cannon, but a squeegie.

But, by now, my shouts of elation have gathered a crowd of onlookers who want to see Abstinence Crusader fight those who might remove their clothing and do God knows what. I'm so embarrassed...

A different guy: Embarrassed you say?

Guy on the Street: Yes! Yes! Completely embarrassed!

The other guy: Then I've come just in time! I am Captain Embarrassment! If you're in an embarrassing situation, I will swoop in and save you from it by doing something tons more embarrassing. Now, watch closely as I juggle these vats of hot fryer oil. And...here...we...go!

And yet another guy: STOP! You're not Captain Embarrassment! You're The Great Impostor, master mimic and villain. Now, hand over my wallet!

The Alleged Captain Embarrassment: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Captain Embarrassment. Wait a minute... Are you Random Accusations Man?

Random Accusations Man: Whatever could you mean? Can't you see that I'm just an onlooker? Okay, I'm Random Accusations Man. You've caught me... Wow, this is...embarrassing.

Captain Embarrassment: I'll save you! I'm going to jam my mouth full of marshmallows!

Random Accusations Man: My hero!

Captain Embarrassment: Mumph huher.

A bypasser: Be careful! Don't choke!

Captain Embarrassment: *chokes*

The selfsame bypasser: I'll save you! *administers life-saving technique* Don't you know how dangerous it is to stuff your mouth with marshallows?

Captain Embarrassment: You saved my life. That means you can only be...Dr. Heimlich?

Alleged Dr. Heimlich: Actually, no. I'm The Abstinence Crusader. But safety is all part of my abstinence training. Anyway, is anyone here planning on having sexual relations this evening? Because you'd better not.


Jen said...

Ah, the Heimlich maneuver. Or as Dr. Heimlich might call it, the "me maneuver."

"The Heimlich maneuver, developed by doctor Heimlich, who woke up one night obviously - a fist, a hand, hoocha, hoocha, hoocha... lobster."

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

What is it, Gunter?

kate said...

One time, I was there when the Abstinence Crusader fought the Master Bater.
It wasn't much of a battle, actually.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I'm going to have to take the side of the Master Bater here.

Anonymous said...

I can't even get my tiny brain around how fucking insanely hilarious you are. I can't. It will explode and die.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

You're so sweet, Skinny! I can't wrap my brain how much nicer than me you are.