Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Cautionary Tale! Safe Sex in Three Acts: Part 2

Woman: Hi.

Man: Hi.

Woman: My name is Female Love Interest. What's yours?

Man: Male Love Interest.

Woman: So nice to meet you! So, just so we are on the same page here, these are my boobs. This is the right one. This is the left one. I'm going to play hard to get for a while, so touching will be out of bounds until we get to the end of some sort of beach montage.

Man: That's completely understandable. And if I might be so bold, if you look straight down, you'll see a slight bulge in my trousers. That is my penis. NO! Don't stare at it too long. You might excite it.

Woman: I agree we should keep this strictly professional. Just to be clear, though, you have two functioning testicles, yes?

Man: Absolutely.

Woman: Excellent. I look forward to being in a cinematic relationship with you.

Man: Shall we get started then?

Woman: Yes, please.

Man: Okay, I think it would be a really good idea for us to actually meet by you running to catch a bus while wearing outlandishly high heels. You'll trip, fall in a manhole, and I'll dive in to save you. That way we'll establish right away that I am a guy's guy who isn't afraid to get a little dirty.

Woman: Oh! Good one. And I'll pretend to be angry with you, shouting that I can take care of myself in order to establish that I'm an independent career woman who doesn't need a man.

Man: After that, I'll show up at your office and join the important meeting we were both late for. I think we should get stuck working on a project together that will result in us somehow getting rained on and completely soaked. You'll sit on my couch wrapped in a towel drinking tea while I tell you about how my last relationship ended poorly.

Woman: You'll try to kiss me, and I'll tell you it's late and that I need to go home. You'll loan me something dry to wear.

Man: The next day I'll show up to your water aerobics class in order to get close to you and act like it's no big thing. You'll be embarrassed by my presence until I charm the old ladies in class and one of them tells you that I'm "a keeper." You'll rethink the vow you made earlier to your slightly fatter best friend to not date a business associate.

Woman: And then I'll very nervously ask you out.

Man: So, let's get to the part where we have sex. I think we should be making out as we burst through your bedroom doorway and hurl ourselves down onto the bed. Now do we want to cut away and just show us post-sex or shall there be a nude butt shot? Because I'm totally fine with showing my butt for this.

Woman: Or I could shift around a little and show maybe the side of my breast or maybe a nipple if we want to go in that direction?

Man: We could do both. Nipple and butt. Tit for tat.

Woman: That could work.

Man: Just to be clear, we won't actually be having sex. We'll roll around for a while and then you'll start making faces like the ecstasy is just too much for you.

Woman: Or we can do a more comical approach. The proverbial wind could die in your proverbial sails. One of us could fall asleep. My hair could get caught in your zipper. What do you think?

Man: Or you could make faces like you're caught up in a moment of absolute pleasure and tell me how amazing it is.

Woman: Um...

Man: Anyway, we'll come back to that. Afterwards, do you want to pillow talk or cut to me making you breakfast? I'm fine with either. I think either way, I'm going to want to see you in my shirt from the night before and your hair up in a messy ponytail.

Woman: And we can sit at the table and start a morning after conversation with "Sooo....last night" or "Is this weird...?" Then, let's have a laugh over our shared awkwardness.

Man: Genius! You know, I think I could fall in love with you.

Woman: And I could fall in love with you too.

Man: Let's go now and sail away into the sunset on the tropical vacation that will inevitably end our movie.

Woman: Quick! Kiss me before the credits roll.



laia. said...

functioning testicles is probably the greatest label in all the history of blogs.

and ps i tagged you.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

And an important thing to search for as well.

lalaland13 said...

Amazing. Gave me a nice giggle before going to bed. The boobs thing reminds me of an Erma Bombeck line where someone slaps a name tag on her and she says, "And what shall we name the other one?"

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Erma Bombeck = genius.

Anonymous said...

If I had a nickle for every time my hair got caught in someone's zipper...

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

You only make a nickel for doing that? I get a whole quarter.

katekate said...

pssssh, I get a whole dollar for that. You ladies are selling yourselves short.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Well, while you were bragging about your whole dollar, my asking price went up to a gold doubloon.

15% discount if the guy is actually a Spanish explorer and not just a coin collector.

Jen said...

But if he's actually an explorer and has a doubloon, your going to have to make change for the discount. What would you use? Pieces of eight?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Nah, I just have my "Native American" "guide" take him to the "Seven Cities of Cebola" (McDonald's) out of gratitude.