Monday, July 7, 2008
Cautionary Tale! Safe Sex in Three Acts: Part 1
The year is 1996. Kids are having sex at younger ages every day. This short-lived children's variety show was produced in an attempt to reach those children...
Hey, everybody! It's me! Cappy the Contraceptive Device! And I'm here to tell you about saaaaafe sex! Isn't it a beauuuuutiful day here in Slappy Land? The trees are standing up straight and tall, there's fresh dew in the grass, and I have a hard-on for telling you about playing it safe!
Everybody gets that special feeling sometimes. Maybe in the morning. Or at night. Or in the afternoon. During gym class, during science class, during social studies, during lunch, during recess, when your teacher starts writing mathematical equations on the chalk board and her bra strap falls down...and other times as well.
But always remember that, no matter where that special feeling leads, you have a social responsiblity to protect yourself and others!
In fact, I have a special song just for you, to help you remember about special feelings.
And a one, and a two, and a three, and a four...
I've been reeaaaally tryin', person I'm attracted to.
Trying to hold back this feeling for SO long.
And if you feeeeel like I feel, potential sex partner.
Uh, come on. HEY! Let's get it oooooon...
Leeeet's get it on...
(Aside: Remember, kids. Copyright infringement is bad news! Stay safe from lawsuits! Always remember to credit original songwriters!)
Well, who could that be? Oh, look! It's my good friend Bucky Bareback, the Bareback Riding Cowboy. And he's brought us a letter! What's that, Bucky? You can't stay and talk because syphilis is slowly eating your brain, and you have to go see your doctor about having that pus drained? Poor Bucky! I guess you should have thought about that before you had so much fun at the circus! See you later, Bucky!
Today's letter says, "Dear Cappy, (THAT'S ME!) My mom says that to be safe, I should wear a helmet, so I do. I like your hat. Signed, Cupcake McButterwings, age 5.
Well...huh. It looks like Cupcake, age 5, is a little confused about the importance of the kind of safety we're discussing. Well, kids, as you can see from this handy-dandy chart given to me by the executives over at Unraveling the Minds of Children and Teens, Inc., all of you are probably thinking about sex riiiiight now! So it's super-duper important for you to sit right there in front of the TV until the show is over so you can absorb the important message Cappy has for you every day!
I know! Let's gather around the free condom table, and I will tell you a stoooory...
[end of transcript]
The man who played Cappy the Contraceptive Device was found dead in his dressing room later that evening. The limited budget of the show did not allow for his condom costume to consist of more than a large white garbage bag. And unfortunately, for all the important lessons about safety that Cappy shared, he forgot the one about not putting plastic bags over your head. An important side note: Cappy died free from herpes.