Tuesday, July 15, 2008

And Now...Fat Shakespeare, the Portly Bard: On the Importance of RSVPs






















Two households,
One serving mutton, the other chicken pie.
And I, caught in a quandary between the two.
Mine eyes doth gaze upon my calendar.
Upon the same eve these dinners fall,
Two fortnights hence.
By my beard!
Fie and fie again!
I beseech my patron, the Hefty Lord Chamberlain,
To change his invitation to July 26.
A whining maggot-pie, he called me.
The nerve of that canker-blossom!
And so, I am resolved to choose one or the other.
But what to decide?

Allow me to think whilst I eat this gingersnap.
And this one as well.
And hello! Is that custard?
Ne're have I spied such beauty in a pudding...
I'faith! Is that calf tongue yonder?
And boiled partridges? And stewed trout?
And anteater face with parsnip gravy?
And cat stomach sausage? With quail's blood sauce?
And oysters on wild dingo brains?
And stuffed elephant blisters?
And candied lizard on a bed of shaved oxen sinus?
And horse buttock pie?

Alack! I am stuffed. And I must go nap.
Anon, then. Anon.

9 comments:

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Fat Shakespeare, what is this? I asked you for an etiquette piece. And all you did was talk about some conflicting dinner party invitations and then eat everything in my refrigerator.

Fat Shakespeare: The Portly Bard said...

Not now, mine ladye. A food coma hath taken me. And I have a touch of the runs. Pray tell, have you any extra Charmin?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

You're disgusting.

Jen said...

If your fridge was stocked with items like anteater face and cat stomach, I'd argue that Fat Shakespeare did you a service by cleaning it out.

Fat Shakespeare: The Portly Bard said...

Verily, good ladye! I did the mammering wench a favor by cleaning out her cooling pantry. I even finished off her frozen water rectangles.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Uh, Jen, he didn't find that "cat stomach sausage" in the refrigerator. I didn't want to tell him, but he was eating out of the litter box.

And I'm pretty sure that "anteater face" was my entire bottle of shampoo.

Jen said...

Hmm. Well, that changes matters somewhat. At least you can put off emptying the litter box for a while now.

peach said...

i think i'm going to retch.

Fat Shakespeare: The Portly Bard said...

Stay, peach! Prithee retch not here. I have a very weak stomach. If you retch, I shall retch. And that would create quite a mess indeed.