Monday, June 9, 2008
My Kingdom for a Mustache
I would like to have a mustache. With a mustache on my face, I could rule the world. Or find a better job.
What is this incredible entity of which I speak? If you don't know, you were clearly raised by Hobbits. But I will explain. A mustache is a patch of hair grown over the upper lip. It can be there for lip warmth, for fashion, or to cover something unsightly, like a mole shaped like Hitler's infamous hair part or a scar resembling Napoleon's man boobs. There can be big mustaches, tiny ones, groomed or unkempt ones. Like snowflakes, every mustache is different. Ironically, you can use a mustache to catch snowflakes if it is snowing and you hold your head at the correct angle.
Mustaches are powerful, even magical. Some of the most powerful wizards have mustaches. Gandalf, Dumbledore, Merlin...all have mustaches. And beards, but that's a different subject altogether. I certainly don't want one of those.
Mustaches are also useful and can help you achieve things in life.
Let's say you are in a meeting negotiating with some clients. You don't have a mustache because you don't want to be mistaken for William Howard Taft. "Give me all the money in the cash register!" you shout to the clients. No one listens because you are a baby-faced uglyhead. You leave the meeting with only one scratch lottery ticket and a stale pretzel for all of your negotiating skills. But if you have a mustache, you can demand anything from your clients. "Give me the keys to this safe and step away as I light this stick of dynamite!" you can cry. And everyone will listen because of the strip of hair over your upper lip.
If you have a mustache, you can rule a country. Like this guy:
Or this guy:
New York Yankee Jason Giambi recently grew a mustache. Soon after, his batting average improved. Tom Selleck had a hit TV show in the 80s because of his mustache. I mean, would you cast this guy if he didn't have a mustache? I sure wouldn't.
So, as you can see, mustaches are great. Useful, powerful, magical, give you hit TV shows, improve your batting average, and make you an all-around better looking person.
Unfortunately, I cannot grow one for myself. I was born with two X chromosomes, resulting in a lack of testosterone. And testosterone is the most important ingredient in growing mustaches. Sometimes, I daydream about having a mustache. I will hold a lock of my hair over my lip and pretend. I have Photoshopped a large handlebar mustache onto a picture of myself in the past. A dude friend who can grow facial hair at will and is a jerk told me it looked like a Filthy Sanchez. I have given myself a mustache with magic marker. I drew it on very carefully for several minutes. For a while the world was very shiny and I took a nap. Later, it washed right off. None of these solutions are permanent! I want to purchase a mustache trimmer of my very own. And style my mustache with products with manly names like Oregon Wild Hair and Colonel Conk Moustache Wax.
But in the end, the important part of the mustache is not the shape or style. It's the actual hair growing from the lip. Being able to grow hair there is a very powerful gift. And being able to shave it off and start all over again as well.
We have technology that can take pictures from the far reaches of our solar system. But nothing that can help me grow a mustache at will. And that, my friends, is a travesty. I intend to write to Congress.
In conclusion, I leave you with this final thought on mustaches:
Never accept a ride from a strange mustache.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.