Monday, June 30, 2008
Liza Minelli Lives Here
I am the Liza Minelli of roommates, at least according to my friend Emily. In the apartment where I live right now, I've officially had five roommates in three years. I go into living situations with the best of intentions. But somehow I usually end up parting ways with my roommates for various (I think quite understandable) reasons. Some might say that it's me. Perhaps I have a toxic personality. Or maybe I just like my space too much to share it. Or it could just be that I have bad luck with finding people who know where the toilet paper store is. I'm not going to say that I'm a perfect roommate. My mom even says that I'm, and I'm quoting, "completely anal." So, today, I throw my side of things out there and let you decide for yourselves whether or not I drive my roommates away. Or if they are just sensitive.
Reason for leaving: Irreconcilable differences.
Time spent as my roommate: 1 year.
This roommate and I had money issues. I wanted to invest in furniture for the apartment. She was content just sitting on the floor until someone gave us stuff to sit on for free. When free curtains didn't arrive, she happily continued to rely on the trees outside her window to shield her nudity from the neighbors. I forgot to buy a bucket, so she simply used my cooking pot to catch the yellow water leaking from the bathroom upstairs and told me to boil it before I made any more mac and cheese in it. I got a cat. No one gave her free Allegra to protect her from the pet dander. She moved out.
Reason for leaving: Physical and mental cruelty.
Amount of time spent as my roommate: 6 months.
Her body odor assaulted my nostrils. Her stand-up comedy routine assaulted my ear drums. Her racist pervert brother assaulted my couch cushions. This roommate NEVER, ever stopped talking. If you had something to say and could get a word in, she had 15 anecdotes to counter it. Most of her stories had something to do with some ex-boyfriend who had a big dick. I finally tricked her into moving out by telling her there was a captive audience in the downtown area, all with huge penises, who were looking for a live-in entertainment chairperson. Aaaaand, scene.
Reason for leaving: Illness.
Time spent as my roommate: 10 months.
See? Nothing at all to do with me...or my cat trying to eat her cockatiels.
Reason for leaving: Better job, more money to spend on rent.
Time spent as my roommate: 3 months.
This roommate moved out because she got promoted and needed to spend more hours at her job. So she moved into Manhattan to be closer to it. I had NOTHING to do with it. Crimes committed while living in the apartment: 1) Using my computer without permission. 2) Misspelling Saterday.
Reason for leaving: We came to the end of our 5-month living agreement.
But let me just put this out there as advice to roommates everywhere...
Having a boyfriend over is a privilege, not a right. If your roommate is forced to schedule herself around your boyfriend on a daily basis and it's obviously bothering her, he needs to GO THE FUCK HOME. Period. Also, post-party clean up is the responsibility of both roommates. I'm just sayin...
Someone wise once said, "Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses." My version? "Some of my best roommates have been cats and beers."
Perhaps I'm not Liza Minelli after all but the woman who spoke those words.
Her name? Elizabeth Taylor.