Monday, June 30, 2008

Liza Minelli Lives Here

I am the Liza Minelli of roommates, at least according to my friend Emily. In the apartment where I live right now, I've officially had five roommates in three years. I go into living situations with the best of intentions. But somehow I usually end up parting ways with my roommates for various (I think quite understandable) reasons. Some might say that it's me. Perhaps I have a toxic personality. Or maybe I just like my space too much to share it. Or it could just be that I have bad luck with finding people who know where the toilet paper store is. I'm not going to say that I'm a perfect roommate. My mom even says that I'm, and I'm quoting, "completely anal." So, today, I throw my side of things out there and let you decide for yourselves whether or not I drive my roommates away. Or if they are just sensitive.

Roommate #1
Reason for leaving: Irreconcilable differences.
Time spent as my roommate: 1 year.
This roommate and I had money issues. I wanted to invest in furniture for the apartment. She was content just sitting on the floor until someone gave us stuff to sit on for free. When free curtains didn't arrive, she happily continued to rely on the trees outside her window to shield her nudity from the neighbors. I forgot to buy a bucket, so she simply used my cooking pot to catch the yellow water leaking from the bathroom upstairs and told me to boil it before I made any more mac and cheese in it. I got a cat. No one gave her free Allegra to protect her from the pet dander. She moved out.

Roommate #2
Reason for leaving: Physical and mental cruelty.
Amount of time spent as my roommate: 6 months.
Her body odor assaulted my nostrils. Her stand-up comedy routine assaulted my ear drums. Her racist pervert brother assaulted my couch cushions. This roommate NEVER, ever stopped talking. If you had something to say and could get a word in, she had 15 anecdotes to counter it. Most of her stories had something to do with some ex-boyfriend who had a big dick. I finally tricked her into moving out by telling her there was a captive audience in the downtown area, all with huge penises, who were looking for a live-in entertainment chairperson. Aaaaand, scene.

Roommate #3
Reason for leaving: Illness.
Time spent as my roommate: 10 months.
See? Nothing at all to do with me...or my cat trying to eat her cockatiels.

Roommate #4
Reason for leaving: Better job, more money to spend on rent.
Time spent as my roommate: 3 months.
This roommate moved out because she got promoted and needed to spend more hours at her job. So she moved into Manhattan to be closer to it. I had NOTHING to do with it. Crimes committed while living in the apartment: 1) Using my computer without permission. 2) Misspelling Saterday.

Roommate #5
Reason for leaving: We came to the end of our 5-month living agreement.
But let me just put this out there as advice to roommates everywhere...
Having a boyfriend over is a privilege, not a right. If your roommate is forced to schedule herself around your boyfriend on a daily basis and it's obviously bothering her, he needs to GO THE FUCK HOME. Period. Also, post-party clean up is the responsibility of both roommates. I'm just sayin...

Someone wise once said, "Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses." My version? "Some of my best roommates have been cats and beers."

Perhaps I'm not Liza Minelli after all but the woman who spoke those words.

Her name? Elizabeth Taylor.


laia. said...

they all sound like suckers to me!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

In a good way or a bad way? Are you saying I reeled them in, made them like me somewhat, and then repelled them by being horrible?

jody! said...

i could go for a lollipop right now... thanks, laia.


Jen said...

You left out the bit about #5 essentially running a free youth hostel out of your living room!

I hope the next roommate turns out better.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I prefer popsicles.

TWSS, too.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I was being kind to #5, even though she's an asshole and did far more things than I bothered to mention here, Jen.

Also, who names their child that anyway? I felt like a bad person every time I said her name.

jody! said...

my careful investigative work (done while roller skating and wearing my trusted detective hat and carrying my favorite magnify glass) reveals that ironically enough, it means "sweetheart"...

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Wow, the irony.

I don't get how being a detective in skates gets the job done. How do you haul in perps? Or do you save that task for when you have your sidecar?

jody! said...

i do my best thinking while wearing my red skates. so i rolled around the block a few times and quickly deduced that i should look up the meaning of the name. (the hat helps me keep my thoughts from escaping... and the magnify glass helps me feel professional and important.)

how do i haul in perps? why i leave that dirty work to the local law enforcers. but to hold them captive, i use my giant skate break to kick the perp in the shins. bring 'im down until the local authorities come to do their job.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Encyclopedia Brown Cracks the Case at the Roller Derby. Starring...Jody.

lalaland13 said...

I think that's why I could never live in NYC unless I was really rich or something. I have to live alone unless my roommate is giving me orgasms. That's lalaland's Rules for Living. Or something.

There are advantages to living in a way low-cost place with a bad-paying job.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Gross, Lala. Don't make me picture that while I'm sitting here with my roommate and eating a popsicle.

jody! said...


SBJ said...

You never told me that you once had SM as a roommate! Sneaky minx!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...'re terrible, Muriel.

laia. said...

no i was siding with you.
i think.
yeah definitely.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said... original response sounded bitchy. It wasn't.